I wished my toddler to die

I have an 18 month toddler. Today was a second time I said out-loud “just die”. He became very active recently. He is attention craver, doesn’t obey me when I say no, and irritates me often. When he broke my serum bottle and then fell to the floor I said just die.

I feel I am not dealing with my emotions.

I feel I am exhausted from being home alone with him and have almost similar days every day. I don’t know how to have me time. I need me time. i need help. My husband cannot give me support as I need. He works and he feels it’s my obligation to take care of the child while he is providing us.

Every time when I ask his help to seat with a baby and give me some space we end up fighting. Please tell me what should I do? Why am I becoming crazy like this? I feel inner guilt.