I have been in such a bad place for so long. I've communicated each and every time my husband has made huge errors in our marriage examples drinking, not putting our kids or me first, not listening to my basic needs. We've been intimate a few times during my last pregnancy and after but not the extent that he's used to. What I'm finding is I'm holding such anger at him I don't feel love and I don't want to be intimate.

This weekend was my breaking point of my needs not being met and I broke down crying. He was so in shock he had a panic attack. To me it's so obvious I don't hide my feelings. He got me flowers. To me this doesn't work for the neglect and unloved I feel. When I tried to tell him that he threw them out in the garage.

We've been together for over a decade and are committed to each other. But this is the closest I've been to walking away. I am trying to envision the rest of our lives together and it just looks like me being treated so low I don't want to lose myself. He isn't abusive he's hard working and he has good goals. He isn't a bad person at all. I just can't carry him and our family and marriage all by myself anymore. He doesn't spend time with me he's spread so thin with work. He's an alcoholic we both know it and he won't quit. We've both seeked outside help for it and it isolates me because I feel like it's a secret I don't tell others because I don't want it misconstrued on how others see alcoholics because he isn't at his low he's a functioning alcoholic.

From the outside everyone tells us how perfect we are and our family. Behind closed doors my husband is living his best life and I make it so easy for him. But I'm lost and unloved. I became so angry with him for me explaining why I'm not being intimate with him and how I need to feel loved and it turned into him having a panic attack. It turned back on him as if I'm supposed to comfort him for the state of our marriage I've been carrying. He says he's blind sided by me and now he's looking back on the last year understanding it. This isn't some secret the signs were flashing road signs we've had tons of conversations. I've even seeked help from my pastor at one point (he married us and my husband loved him we even named a child after him.) So it is a safe person in our lives.

Marriage is hard and I don't know what to do anymore but I'm so empty and angry.