Abuse Recovery

I have become so mean and cold to my children’s father. I dread going to doctor appointments with him and hate seeing his face. While I was pregnant he beat on me, he’s held knives to my neck, he has choke me to the point I was breathless, and kicked me in my stomach when I was 2 weeks pp… he scarred me. In the midst of doing all that he broke any devices I had access to, to cut me off from the outside world and slept in my living room so he could make sure I didn’t make a run for it. Afterwards I feel like I had Stockholm syndrome and we had another child but I wasn’t able to leave the house. Eventually I made an exit plan and made a run for it by reconnecting with my mom and slowly but surely moved in with her. Here we are 3 years later with 2 children and he’s claiming he’s changed, doesn’t remember half the things he’s done to me. My responses to him are cold, I indeed do always have a nasty attitude because I resent him for taking away my confidence, for breaking me, for beating me until I was unrecognizable to myself. Now I feel like he has a victim mentality and says I’m mean and nasty but it comes natural because of the abuse I’ve endured. How do I heal? I want to be able to let go of that resentment and forgive him not for him but for myself, I hold so much hatred and he triggers me badly. I got into a healthy relationship a few months ago that I ended because I’m so easily triggered by the little things that remind me of my child’s father. I really thought I was healed, I’ve been in therapy since January consistently but what else??? I know it won’t happen over night but for crying out loud it’s been 3 years .. I just need advice, I need peace within myself.