Should I go no contact with my family? Grandpa told me my life doesn’t matter.

I’m sorry but I’m almost crying while typing this. My birthday is next week and it’s practically ruined after I had to rethink all of this and endure these comments from my grandpa over text. Sorry if this all sounds so jumbled up. Im so f***king ready to go no contact with this family forever!!! I’m in my mid 20s. I’ve had a really really hard life, I’ve dealt with bullying, SA, been graped multiple times throughout my life as a teen/child and as an adult, depression, anxiety. I come from a poor neighborhood, a poor city, a poor family. I’ve had to battle all of that alone. Yeah sure I could of went to college had I actually had a support system, yeah sure I could of had better chances of being accepted into a great school had I actually been in class and not in the bathroom crying because I was being bullied. I was tortured for 3 years straight of my life about what was really a rape/SA but my abuser was out there bragging and misconstruing the story as if I had wanted it.

At the time, I didn’t realize that I was dealing with the trauma and emotional shock of rape but looking back it all makes sense.. The jitteryness, the trying to fit in and nervous behavior. I was 15 feeling like I was having a heart attack and it was an anxiety attack. It’s so f***king sad.

Me and my sister were never super close, even when we were little we both had super different personalities. Were 2 years apart exactly, so as we grew older and got into our teens — I really wanted to build a friendship/relationship with my sister. My whole life, my sister treated me like she tolerated me and hated me. I know this sounds crazy but there are baby photos of us from the early 2000s/late 90s where she’s scowling at me in disgust. My parents always chalked my sisters “fed up” attitude with me to that my sister “didn’t take no sh*t” and was “super stern”. But in the back of my head I knew that was a cop out — I knew deep down my sister never liked me.

Anyways, we grew and got older and it just seemed like nothing I could do could make my sister like me. I’ll be honest — I did try to buy my sisters affection/love. I would pay for her Ubers everyday to school with the money I made as a senior, I’d give her expensive birthday gifts, I gifted her all my online clothes orders that didn’t fit me but was still very cute for her and could fit HER. I tried so hard. I even would go up to her some days and attempt to start conversations and most times it would be a one sided convo with me talking mostly and her making one sided remarks and comments like “yeah” “that’s crazy” “wow”

At the end of 2023, I decided to go no contact with my sister and I reached out to her via text and let her know that I would no longer be contacting her and hope she had a nice life. I let her know that I was tired of trying so HARD to be cool and tired of trying to be nice to her, I let her know I had no animosity but I couldn’t keep going on emotionally draining myself. She then texted me back one minute later saying how she hated me because I was “mean” to her when we were kids (I put mean in quotation marks because me and my sister MAYBE have had 3-5 arguments as kids, nothing out of the ordinary - nothing we even fought about exists as beef/problems anymore, like I said we’re in we’re 20s. I wasn’t even the type of sibling that put my hands on my siblings ever.) my sister then proceeded to throw my mental health struggles in my face, and claimed she was “tired of worrying about me killing myself” (I’ve never attempted suicide, I have struggled with major episodes of depression but I’ve never wanted to take my life. EVER.)

Siblings have arguments/disagreements, that’s normal — plus for a majority of my teenager hood I was depressed and withdrawn and didn’t talk much at all due to bullying/rape I had experienced. So it’s highly UNLIKELY she wasn’t talking to me because of that, and MORE LIKELY that she just doesn’t like me. There is no “underlying issue” or problem. I’ve spoken to my sister over the last 4 years before going to no contact with her MAYBE a maximum of 5 times and ALL of these interactions were positive with me praising her. I rarely even talked about myself or what was going on with me. I went through an abusive relationship with my ex between 2020-2022 and my sister knew and never contacted me, she never texted me asking was I OK. I didn’t expect her to and I wasn’t planning on offloading my problems on her but the gesture at least would’ve been nice. I had a friend that was dealing with a abusive situation with her baby father and we lived in different states and I’d still check on her and make sure she was OK — even if she didn’t want to tell me what was going on at the time. If I did that for a friend I share no blood with how come my own sister couldn’t even do that for me?

It hurts.

Mind you — when I texted my sister about going no contact, my sister hadn’t replied to ANY of my texts prior to that that I had sent MONTHS before. All were texts like “thinking of you, hope you’re good” “hey how you’ve been? I know you’ve been busy lately it’s finals”

What’s so heartbreaking is my exact LAST text before I texted her about me going no contact said “Hey just want you to know I’m so proud of you for getting your bachelors and I love you! Lmk if you need anything or wanna talk”.

That text was sent 6 MONTHS before I texted about going no contact and I had no reply to ANY of those texts.

My mom tried to make excuses when I brought it up to her “Oh well…she’s really busy because she’s in college”

I can understand texting back a week or even 2 weeks later maybe even a month — but 6 months? I mean this has been a pattern with my sister for YEARS. She has my notifications on DND, she barely texts back and if she does it’s only one reply. We never have a REAL conversation. even if I send a follow up response to whatever she said there’s no text back. I’ve even DMed my sister on instagram complimenting how she dresses/looks on a photo and she’ll ignore it like I’m some thirsty guy begging for her attention. Meanwhile my sister posts on instagram EVERYDAY religiously. If you can post on IG everyday — you can text back.

My grandpa texted me 2 days ago sending me a message about my sister graduating…she’s graduating 2 days before my birthday and I’m not invited. My grandpa KNOWS me and my sister have a contentious relationship, he talks to her almost everyday and barely talks to me. He views me like a “failure” because I went the real estate/GED route instead of going to college. He views me as wasteful and has said I enjoy “instant gratification” instead of “delayed gratification”. I feel like if I’m making decent money…doing good for myself, have no kids..who am I really hurting by not getting a college degree?

He basically has called me a disappointment to my face and over text multiple times. Anyways I texted my grandpa back letting him know to NOT text me regarding my sister because I’m no contact plus I’m more worried about my upcoming birthday. My grandpa then texted back the most heartbreaking sh*t ever. He basically said that my birthday didn’t matter, and that I shouldn’t celebrate another year of life because I’m a failure. My grandpa knows nothing about all of the trauma I endured, and I’m not going to tell him either way.

I couldn’t even text back…I couldn’t even argue, I just started crying. Ever since I’ve had that conversation I’m coming to the realization I may never have a peaceful/happy life unless I cut my family off completely and move away/start from scratch. I really don’t have any friends from high school due to the bullying and my coworkers are all older than me and have different interests. So I relied on being semi close to my family.

But I’m DONE. I think I just wanna let go. Move somewhere, change my name, hell I’m even considering a MAJOR appearance change/lifestyle change as well. I think I’m never gonna contact them again.

I’ve always felt like an outsider. I have no tribe of “people”. I have no group I belong too. I think part of me is really sad because I feel like that 6 year old girl that is an outsider and feels like she doesn’t belong anywhere.

I’m an outsider to the world, an outsider to society since I have no college degree and an outsider to my own family.

Another part of me is aching to create my own family/have my own kids because I know I’ve never had a real family and the only family I can make is through making close fiends/having kids/having a husband. When I get emotional some days it makes me just want to recklessly marry my new boyfriend and start a family/get pregnant ASAP so I won’t have to feel like this but I know that’s super toxic and it’s really more just a thought then something I’d actually act on.

I’m gonna try to have a good birthday. But the truth is I’ll probably be alone on my birthday.