It was early this morning when it happened I just couldn't understand how but from being so sleep deprived being a mommy of 2, I'm always so tired and a little out of it. I woke up early this morning about 4am to feed my 2 month old I sat up on the bed holding him to feed then the next thing I know I woke up to my husband @6am pushing me off the bed at least that's what I had thought right that second but he was pushing me off our baby. He was crying hysterically and his face was super red. I suffocated him. I usually hear him the second he starts fussing before he even cries every night but somehow that time, I didn't hear him at all and the craziest part is my husband doesn't usually or ever hear him cry but I'm so thankful that he did. I'm so thankful someone was watching over us to make sure one of us wakes up before it was too late. I feel like the worst mom in the whole world how can I have put my son at risk for his own life I would never be able to forgive myself if he died because I was so irresponsible. I've never had this happened to my first born and I'm just in shock and I can't help but keep crying and staring at his beautiful face imagining how I could ever live without him. At some point we all will be sleep deprived and completely out of it yes, it happens even if you aren't a first time mommy but I hope we all learn from my mistake and be more cautious this happens so much but we rarely think of it as much until it happens to us and it doesn't feel good. Please please please make sure you are up and aware before holding your child to feed, burp or anytime you hold them and as for me I will make sure every night I get up to feed him to drink water and wash my face with cold water before feeding to make sure I don't ever fall asleep holding him again. I'm so thankful my baby boy is okay I don't know how I could take knowing that it was because of me if he had lost his life. Lesson learned and I had to learn it the hard way. Make sure you do not fall asleep holding your baby and for the people that are co-sleeping please figure out a safer sleeping practice. I know there are lots of people who co-sleep and their babies never suffocated and they say "I'm sure I will hear my baby cry" etc but you just never know kind of like how I never thought I'd actually fall asleep that deep and easy while holding him so please take my experience and so many other mom's similar experience of this nearly tragic moment and learn from it. I didn't write this to be judged or bombadered with so much "you should've" comments I'm just writing this to raise awareness.