32 weeks & still smoking.
I'll probably get hateful and judgemental comments for this post (I deserve them tbh.) but I had to get it out so.
I'm 32 weeks pregnant and still smoking almost a pack a day. I managed to cut down from 4 to 1 a day which my ob said was good but I know its not good enough. I feel completely worthless, depressed and that I don't deserve the miracle I'm carrying. I hate myself with every single cigarette but cant seem to stop. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I'm a horrible mother. My ob said he's perfectly healthy and growing great but I still feel like a piece of shit. I know these thoughts arent healthy and smoking isn't healthy but I haven't been able to stop. I've been trying to get in to see my therapist but she's booked solid until early March. I can't just talk to anyone though, it took me 6 years to be able to trust and talk to the therapist I have now. I try to talk to my ob and family/friends and the only thing they tell me is to just quit cold turkey. If I could I would've already! I've been cutting down even more lately but still cant fully stop. Once I cut down for a few days I just seem to backtrack! I don't deserve my child. I'm a pathetic pos who can't even give up smoking for my babies well being!
Okay, well. That's it. If you read it, thanks for listening. I had to get my feelings out somewhere and none of my loved ones will give me the time of day.
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