What's a Gal to do?

Long story short, husband and I have been together 10 years, 2 children in common and he's been my son's father by choice since he was 5. I thought I had the perfect life despite a porn addiction. I moved across country with him away from all friends and family. After being together for 7 years, I not only saw him in the act with a prostitute, but learned of his 7 year infidelity all at once, including a "friend" I was helping that was living in my home. I left him, but came back not only for the children, but because I loved him too and wanted to forgive him. 3 years later after my mind and body has become numb to him, I tell him I'm sorry, I can't accept it, I'm not happy, I want a divorce. He gets angry, threatens suicide, talks down on me, then apologizes and acts like nothing happened. About 7-8 months ago I began to no longer let him touch me, kiss me, have sex with me, and I even quit saying I love you as he said I was leading him on.

When we're in public or in front of our children he still sneaks in every hug he can get and when alone fondles me despite my objection on a consistent basis. I'm a deep sleeper, yet never imagined so deeply. Sometimes I remember, most times I do not, but more often than not I wake up with one of his shirts or boxers stuffed between my legs and sore as H*LL like someone beat the life out of me, some days barely able to even walk. Whether I'm on my period or not he has no limits, I've come to realize he will now remove my tampon, do his business and leave me in a bloody mess for morning. Most times he won't mention a word to me, I will awake to the silent treatment as if I've done something wrong, and if he does he puts his head down and softly says sorry.

At first I kinda didn't think anything of it as it only happened once and we weren't arguing at the time, then I began to get angry as he'd do it after being rejected. I began to tell him that what he was doing was rape and I was not okay with it. He would always tell me he just couldn't resist himself as I would moan in my sleep.. what was I to think... so I started setting the voice recorder while I slept. I'd be sound asleep and he start in on me and would have no mercy. I'd await the next day for him to speak up and more often than not he'd pretend nothing ever happened. It's very clear to him I'm one with this marriage but do not have the financial means to leave so he takes that to his advantage. If I am even out of his site it's countless hours of fighting so I have no escape seeing we are both disabled. He's 37 I'm 30, his injuries from work, mine from a mishap surgery and several car accident. He has now gotten to the point of when he confesses or I confront him about taking advantage of me while he sleeps is, do you wanna kill me, you'll have to kill me to stop me. A couple of times he's even told me if I wanted to call the police go ahead (he has a criminal record from 17 years ago) it will take them an hour to get here and he won't go back alive. I highly doubt he'd ever do that and is merely talking out of his ass, but I have never once thought about involving authorities, 1. Because I wish him well, just not with me and 2. Despite his flaws he's still our children's father and I'd never wish them to have to go through any of that...

Two nights ago I went to bed recovering from a mountain hike with the flu sore as all get out barely able to move around 5pm. I awake at 6 am to find myself a mess! He says sorry, ask if I want to kill him and if I hate him as I sit in silence. Last night I go to bed still in pain with a headache. I wake up at 3 am to use the restroom and he just finished up from a shower. He uses my Google account on his phone so I check it before going back to bed while he takes the dogs out. He had been up watching porn again! Uck! He stays up playing video games and I pass back out! I wake up at 8 and whaddya know? YEP! Shirt stuffed between my legs, feeling like a mac truck ran me over, a mess while he snores away!

So I sit up drinking my coffee lounging around waiting for him to wake up with his sappy confession. It's now 4pm and I've received the silent treatment! I sit here with my ear buds in listening to music trying to escape this Insanity as I feel like my heart could burst any minute! I've thought of a million ways to approach him but I'm ready to explode and I don't want the kids hearing it :/

I guess I just needed somewhere to vent. I want to leave so bad, but have to travel 2000 miles in an awd suv across country with the kids and would have to leave most everything behind, plus I fear them being angry with me because it is going to be a struggle for awhile til I can get on my feet for us and we'd be living with an old friend. I think I'd have enough to leave after the 18th, but I fear the repercussions. Ahhhh! Does the Insanity ever end??!!