Breaking down

I am so tired of my university

I am so tired of my friends

I am so tired from my work

I am so tired of myself

My eyes hurt, I’m sleepless, I’m breaking out and binging on sweets and being dehydrated.

I don’t care about the way I look

I snap at everything and everyone. My friends telling me that I am being snappy and that it’s not who I am is honestly not helping

I don’t feel appreciated at all. I always need to explain myself. Why I couldn’t show up for dinner. Why am I gaining weight. Why do I cry so fast. Why am I breaking out. Why am I always tired. Why am I always sleepy.

“I’m taking 18 credit hours + working for 2 research projects and a club.” I have been repeating this sentence to every question I get recently. I understand that it’s nothing to many people. But the people who are questioning me all the time are taking 14 credit hours, not working and binge watching 3 different series. They get to complain about their favorite character marrying the wrong person and I don’t get to complain about being tired?

My professors are telling me I’m distracted all the time.

Everyone is used to me being that honors over productive student who’ve got her shit together. They’re used to me helping them, doing their work, being fluffy and nice. Knowing the answer to everything. I AM TIRED. I DON’T KNOW EVERYTHING

And when they’re cramming for a test and have a billion question that I don’t know the answer to, I AM WRONG

When they want to copy my homework, but I haven’t done it (because I’m done with life), I AM WRONG

When they ask me for money and I can’t lend them money because I am trying to save, I AM WRONG

When they haven’t eaten, it’s somehow my fault

I want to take a break from life and people. But I can’t. I need to get through this term. My parents expect me to stay on the Dean’s list until I graduate, but I’m afraid that’s not going to happen.

People aren’t going to remember me going out of my way for them, it’s what I am expected to do. They’ll remember my frowning slob-melting into nothingness phase.

I don’t like the person I’ve become

I don’t like people

I just want this life to pass peacefully