help I need advice

how.... I just told my parents after 2 years my ex forced him self on me and had sex he told me after he didn't mean it I forgave him 4 month latter I found Out I was pregnant but had a miscarriage 2 months later. he wasnt there but blamed me for killing the baby since it was in my tummy and I was stressing my ex said it was all my fault. he was so angry and became more verbally abusive and physically abusive. but I still stayed and he wanted to have sex a month after my miscarriage but I told him it was to soon. but we did it hurt I told him it was painful yet he still thrusted and it hurt but we did it. I found Out I was pregnant again and he didn't want no part of us said he wanted to live his life so he did. we moved and I finally tell my parents and they said I am an idiot im selfish is this what i like . what do I even say to explain everything sounds stupid.... idk why I stayed idk why I still had sex it wasn't for me..... Ugh am I really dumb I hate myself...