Embarrassed and mad at myself

I had a difficult pregnancy was on bed rest for six months. Had my baby 7 weeks ago and doing much better. No longer in pain but a bit emotional from the fear and pain during this pregnancy and when my baby went to the nicu. This is no excuse for my behavior but I need you to know I’m fragile. I need to lose 35 pounds. I’ve been lucky with my weight in the past and have never had to lose any... but I’m just rebuilding my strength to be able to walk every day and I’m on meds that will make it harder to lose weight soooo I’m feeling bad about myself.

I’m fine with my husband looking at porn, but I’m not okay with him chatting with girls. I was in the nursery changing the baby and I saw a tab open on his tablet to porn — but the porn was on tumblr. I’ve had a blog before so I know on tumblr you can easily message someone.

I looked up on my computer if tumblr is used for porn often and it said yes so I tried to forget about it. Buuuut I guess it was bothering me all day because the next night I was changing my baby again and saw the tab open. It looked like a message. His screen was locked so I took it to the living room asked him for the password. He looked terrified and soooo guilty so in my head I was like omg he is messaging people!

He gave me the password in a shaky voice and tried to take it from me. I yelled no! I’m checking this now! Right at him. I went to his account and looked for messages but there were none. I did not look at what he had been looking at. In my head this was my way of not invading his privacy.

He is really mad. He wishes I had talked to him first. I acted kinda crazy the way I grabbed his tablet. I shouldn’t have yelled. I should have trusted him. I feel so guilty! If it was any porn from a porn website I would have been fine...but the thought that he could be messaging someone made me crazy. Ahhhhh I feel so guilty.