I Tried My Best...

So, I saw my abuser for the first time since the night he sexually abused me. I haven’t even spoken to him since the day I broke up with him.

My situation is a little strange. You see, my abuser has never gone away. Sure, it’s been 3 years since I had seen or spoken to him, but 2 years ago he started dating my cousin, last year they got engaged, and, recently, they got married. It’s been hard.

My sister got married last night. She’s been friends with him and my cousin even after all that I went through. I came to accept it. I came to peace with it. I struggled knowing that they might come to her wedding. I tried to mentally prepare for it. I really did. I couldn’t ruin my sisters wedding because of my issues. I didn’t want to be the reason that they didn’t come to celebrate my sister’s marriage even though I also really didn’t want to run into them.

The night before the wedding it was confirmed that they would be there. I told myself “I can do this. I don’t have to talk to them. I just have to exist in the same space as them for a little while. I can do this.”

I couldn’t do it.

At one point I started to turn into a room and I got just the slightest glimpse of his face. Immediately I went into an anxiety attack. I went to the other side of the building and tried to occupy myself by talking to some people. Family members came to check on me and make sure I was okay. I wasn’t, but I was trying to be, but I felt like if I could just stay on opposite sides of the building I could do this.

Then my ex and my cousin started walking to where I was and let me tell you, I’ve never felt the kind of fear that I felt in that moment. I knew I had to go. I had to get away. I made it into the front room and was already almost completely in tears. I went outside and called my husband. I could barely even talk. I was so distraught. But I was determined to get myself together and get back into the wedding. Finally, I decided it was time to go back in. I walk in to go see my sister’s first dance with her wife and he was standing right in the doorway to the reception room. Big nope. Again, I almost burst into uncontrollable tears. Anxiety was through the roof. I stepped back outside and called my best friend in hopes to try to get myself back together again. I tried to breathe. I tried to be rational. I tried to tell myself that I am stronger than I think. I missed my sister’s first dance. I missed the father/daughter dance. I tried so hard not to. It took me so long to even get back in. Every time I’d try to head to the door instant panic would ensue and I would almost break down in tears. Finally, my ex and cousin decided to leave. I think they knew that I was really struggling and I just couldn’t handle it and they didn’t want to be the reason I couldn’t be there enjoying my sister’s wedding. I honestly really appreciated that. I avoided even being in there sight. It’s not how I wanted to handle it, but it’s the only way I could.

Despite it all, I survived. I didn’t break down completely. I had family by my side making sure that I was okay. I tried my best to keep it together. I tried to get it together so that even my ex and cousin could enjoy my sister’s wedding, but in the end the trauma was too much. The important thing is that I tried my best. I had no idea and no way of knowing how I would actually react to seeing him for the first time since he sexually abused me. I’ve come very far in my personal growth and acceptance of what he did, but I just wasn’t ready to see him. Nonetheless, it’s a step in the right direction.

Thank you, if you took the time to read all of this. It was a very exhausting and emotional night. It’s going to take a while to recover and get my brain back in order after it, but I know I will.