Self-worth issues, anxiety, etc

I’ve been going to psychotherapy and have been trying to get my thoughts out on paper more instead of holding them all inside. I’m starting to realize that my very poor self esteem j is the root of all my problems. Here are just a few things I have been able to recognize... and I guess I’m just posting this to vent, but also if anyone has also experienced these things and can give me some advice, that would be appreciated.

⚫️I want control/power over people.

Ex: I will pull away & become cold while in a relationship to see if they chase me, and make them prove their love to me over and over.. because I don’t believe them.

⚫️I constantly convince myself no one really likes me or loves me.

Ex: I don’t believe people, even my own family when they tell me these things. I believe that if I died, it would be sad at first, but eventually the memory of me would fade and people would move on.

⚫️I believe I don’t deserve anything of value.

I don’t think I deserve to have a good job, have a good life, deserve a good partner, or live anywhere nice.

⚫️I believe I have little to no value.

Ex: When going on dates I will suggest fast food, and even drive-thrus because I don’t want my date to have to spend money on me, and I don’t want him to be embarrassed of being with the ugly chick in public. IF the guy insists on going somewhere nice, I feel like I have to sleep with him, or owe him something.

⚫️I don’t believe anything anyone says to me, especially when it’s something really nice.

Ex: when I’m complimented in person, I think the person has an ulterior motive or is only trying to make fun of me. It makes me very uncomfortable and I want to run and hide.

⚫️Being vulnerable is almost unthinkable.

Ex: something as simple as making extended eye contact is too much for me. I constantly have my guard up. I crack jokes a lot and avoid talking about serious things.

⚫️I believe I’ll never find anyone to stick around.

Ex: this has happened time and time again, so any time I meet someone new, I essentially expect them to leave at one point or another.