It's been over 2 weeks and I'm finally ready to share my story. I will start from the very beginning. When I found out I was pregnant I went to my OB to confirm. They did multiple HCG blood tests to see if it was rising. The second blood test showed a drop of 30 and I was told I was having a chemical pregnancy. I was devastated and started balling my eyes out at work. But for some reason I didn't believe it. I trusted my gut and asked for additional blood work. Turned out I was right and my HCG had increased by 400. Still to this day I do not know if it was a mistake in my blood work or my HCG being weird. When the Dr called with these results, he was immediately concerned about ectopic pregnancy and told me to be seen right away. Unfortunately I was so early and my cycle was irregular, they couldn't determine the location or gestation age.. 3 long weeks later I got another ultrasound and received very good news. The baby was where it was supposed to be and even better I got to see the heart beat. I also found out I was 6 weeks and 3 days pregnant. I was so happy, relieved, and sure everything would be great!

Fast forward to two weeks later.. I was on vacation and started feeling randomly depressed. It wasn't abnormal as I have been suffering with severe depression and anxiety since I was young and at the time I stopped my treatment. On the third day of vacation, I was so depressed I didn't wanna leave my hotel bed.. that's saying a lot for someone who adores the beach. I started feeling weird and super anxious. I went to the restroom and saw there was very slight pink discharge. I was a little concerned but I blew it off bc spotting can be normal in early pregnancy.

3 days later I returned to work still feeling extremely depressed. I was alone at work for a good portion of the day which didn't help at all. I went to the restroom and noticed a lot of brown blood. At this point I started to feel very anxious so I called my OB. She wanted to check things out the next day. But as the day went on the brown spotting turned into an increased amount of bright red blood. In the back of my mind I knew something was definitely wrong. I started panicking and crying and having anxiety attacks at work. I left and went straight to the ER where they confirmed what I was dreading so very much to hear... My baby's heart had stopped beating about 5 days prior.. I was a mess. I couldn't stop crying. I just wanted my baby so bad. It wasn't fair.

The next couple of days were the worst of my life. I was so severely depressed I couldn't function. I kept calling off of work bc I couldn't get out of bed, eat or sleep. I just sat there on my couch all day and all night staring at a wall crying and screaming. I couldn't handle the pain anymore and scary thoughts started to pop up in my mind. On the third day after being told this news I dropped my son off with my father and drove to the lake. I stood on the edge of a cliff for a good 30 minutes just contemplating life. Luckily I was too chicken to jump. I drove home and continued to just sit there and sob.

Still to this day I see this next thing as a miracle.. my mother decided to call randomly. I still had not told her about the miscarriage.. she heard me crying and immediately showed up at my house. She saw me clutching my picture of my ultrasound and crying and new exactly what had happened. She stayed with me for a few hours and then decided to take me to the hospital bc I was having continuous panick attacks and would not speak. I hated her at the moment for bringing me there as I knew what would happen bc it has happened to me twice before. They immediately admitted me into the mood disorder ward for suicidal thoughts and severe depression. While I was there I initially felt even worse than before. I was so mad all of this was happening to me. Then the doctor came in to talk and I just let go of everything I was holding inside and just told him everything. I was so scared he would think I was crazy but he didn't. He was so understanding and just wanted to help.

They started me back on antidepressants and anxiety medication. Which was surprisingly taking quick affect on some of the symptoms. But while I was there everything started to pass..I was bleeding very heavily which made me even more depressed and anxious.. what's even worse was I had to go through it on my own without any of my loved ones with me. The next day I was in severe pain. I was having small contractions and tons of pressure. I went to the restroom and a huge clot came out of me. Then I pushed more and another clot came out on the toilet paper. I immediately recognized this as the baby... MY baby... It was so tiny. It was strange looking but yet at the same so beautiful.. after that moment I said my goodbyes and I began to accept what had happened.

After my acceptance I was able to start my recovery. I am still recovering and working on myself. I know it will take a lot of time but I am getting there. I am so grateful my mom came over and took me to the hospital bc that's what I needed to start my recovery. I need to be better for my son and my angel watching over me. I thank my angel baby every day for leading me to the point I am at in life right now. I probably wouldn't have seeked treatment without him. I will get better.