Bad mom

Idk what I'm doing here but Idk what to do. I have four kids. One is a newborn. I'm on leave from work. I cannot sleep. I caught myself in the midst of stress eating earlier. My anxiety is high. I dread night time because I can't sleep and the baby is new. I exercise but that doesn't help with the stress. I'm currently locked in my bathroom because I screamed at my 2 year old because I was spiraling, while eating (trying to avoid an oncoming panic attack). I'm on aaaalll the time. I thought I had a better grip on it. I feel alone even though I'm married. I just want my shit to be normal like other moms. I can't talk to anyone about it because I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed that I can put this front on but inside I'm so tired and I wish I could just run from everything. I'm overwhelmed but I can't stop moving. I'm scared of medicine because I don't wanna be a zombie or incapable of functioning without it or being judged for being on it. I don't vent to people anymore. I barely have any friends since becoming a mom 5 years ago. So I feel trapped. My baby has a doctors appointment tomorrow and I'm dreading it because I have to go by myself with a 4 year old, a 2 year old and a newborn who is just shy of a month old.

I just wish I was mentally normal.

Now it just sounds like a pity party.

Goddammit