Miscarriage woes

Hi Ladies, I need to tell my story. I thank you in advance for reading and any help you would give after. My heart and soul are both telling me to get my story out to help heal.

On May 7th, we found out by surprise we were pregnant. We have been trying for a year and a half. In July of last year, I found out I was pregnant and miscarried at 5 weeks. For some reason, I didn’t feel connected to that baby at all.

No nausea, no sore breast, etc. Honestly, it wasn’t a surprise when I miscarried and it did not affect me emotionally at all.

This time around, I wanted to be extra careful as to not miscarry again. I drank tons of water, ate right, slept as best I could, etc. This pregnancy FELT different. I was nauseated, had food aversions, and felt whole heartedly connected with my baby. I was so excited! I also found out my sister was pregnant too, a week a head of me (her first too). We were going to be able to do this together! I got the Bump Boxes and we started planning the nursery and everything as well.

Then around the end of May, my symptoms just stopped. My friend said it came in waves and just meant I was having a good week. We went in on June 4th to find out that the baby did not have a heartbeat. I should have been 8 weeks 2 days, but the baby measured 7 weeks 1 day. Everyone in the office was so sorry. I was so upset and so was my husband. They gave me medicine to start the miscarriage. I had some bleeding and cramping, not nothing big. I just felt empty and alone. My husband was amazing and didn’t leave my side unless he had to.

Then, a week later, I had cramping and bleeding so severe that I thought I had to go to the ER. Luckily, my NP was able to get me in and do an ultrasound. It was so embarrassing. She told me that the medicine didn’t work and I was having a natural miscarriage. I bled all over the table and bathroom twice, through my clothes, and was throwing up because of the pain. My NP and the other nurses were so great and helpful. Thank god for my husband or I could never have gotten through it. My NP gave me medicine to help with the bleeding and pain.

I bled until almost the last week in June. That Thursday was the heavy day and the rest was like period bleeding. When it was all over, I thought I’d be relieved and want to move forward. I didn’t. I just felt empty and alone.

It’s now July 8th and I am still sad and will cry at least once a day. I don’t want to do anything nor go anywhere. I feel like I’ll never be a mom. I’m 36 years old and feel like time

Is running out. Why do I have to have miscarriages? My other sister had 3 successful pregnancies and yet I’ve had two miscarriages. My husband says that I can talk to him, and I try to, but I feel like he doesn’t get it. He tries and I know he is suffering too. He was so excited for this baby too. I feel like such a bitch because he will give an idea for something and I’ll lash out and then start to cry.

I took a pregnancy test last week and it said not pregnant so I know my HCG levels are back to normal. Yet, I just can’t have sex right now for some reason. It makes me cry when I think about it. My husband still wants to try and have a baby and I do too; I just can’t for some reason.

I don’t know why I wrote this all out. Maybe to get it out of my soul, maybe to help feel better I’m not sure. If you’ve read all this, I thank you. Any advice you can give I would be appreciative for.