He called me a loser

Alright, so I want to get this out, I'll try and make it quick.

To sum it up, I think we're on our last term. Last year, when I was pregnant with our second, I opened up his phone to sexting, photos, him posting up hooking up ads, him messaging prostitutes. All after he'd send me to bed, which I struggled to fall asleep alone every night but thinking we were making me do what was best for baby 🤪

"STOP GOING THROUGH MY PHONE" "I'm so sorry" "I was just bored" "I was just raising my self confidence" "I wasn't going to do it" "I'd never pay for sex"

......

Get this, I stayed. I felt that I had pushed him there. We had a break before our first child and I slept with someone. I honestly thought I'd never go back, but I did - and he resented me for it. Ok. Gotta do what I've got to do to make this right.

[Let me just add to my vent here that that included being strangled five times over the most tiniest arguments, because I felt I deserved it. Once, I actually lost consciousness for seconds. I know what it's like to beg to breathe. And I didn't want to beg, I'd honestly done it enough as a child growing up in an abusive household.

.. I was in the kids room. My babies, and their dad is scaring me like he's completely lost it and won't stop.]

AND I STAYED. Right.

That cute little family was all I ever wanted. And I'll be stupid enough to say "when it's been good it's really nice..."

Alright, to wrap that part up and get to the present, I got pregnant, he strangled me that final fifth time, I got help, I'm out... But I'm alone.. (no family - I cut one toxudlc out of my life after so long, no friends. - he was my world) and I miss him. ... And feeling his baby kick, keeping me up those lonely nights making it even harder.

You're supposed to love and be loved by the one you make babies with right? This is hard.

So we're about at today/this weekend really on the timeline.

This has been *hard on him, and he's pulled the "I'm really scared I'm going to do something to myself and I need to get away". So he's been on a roadtrip.

Get this, it's a joint bank account, so I see how much he's been taking out instead of marking where he'd been (mine primarily- I've mentioned for him to get his own, but as per himself things don't get done if I don't do it .. so I see all his purchases) Anyways, he's taken out like 500$ in cash, on top of a couple hundred in purchases I can see.

I told him it sucks to have our circumstances. That in the past, I may have assumed it was maybe even for drugs and I'd be ok with that, but I felt so insecure thinking it could be for girls (sex). That it was a vulnerable time for me with the pregnancy and that I wanted to trust him, be trusted, for us to be respect and loved.

Mind you, I'm 5 months pregnant, we haven't done it since I left and he was never good at toning things down while I'm pregnant. And I'm hormonal and wanting to be loved.

His response? My tiny hope for reassurance? Anything to drift away from the insecurity?

"Ugh. I wouldn't pay for sex. Like this is why we have issues, you loser.." and I hung up when I heard the word.

Gross right? Hanging on for any sweet words because I'm having his third kid.

I feel sick.

That wasn't short. I'm actually going to post this one (there's been a draft for so many stories.)...

I wanted to be a wife so bad, I wanted to love and be loved. Now I have three of his kids and I don't know how I'll ever feel this is ok. Like I'll ever move on.. but I'm so sick of being in the dirt, sick of being disappointed.

End of vent.