Should my SO contact his birth mother?

Soooo we are at this point where he’s asking me and we are asking other people and he can’t decide and I told him to think about it and I can’t make that decision for him period. He told me to post this, to get other people’s insight because he’s at a loss and doesn’t know what he should do, but also knows he’s ultimately the only one who can decide.

So my SO was adopted, and always had MAJOR resentment towards birth mother because his life wasn’t good. He was a foster child and when he turned 18 he got his case files, and they wrote everything down. She abandoned him and his brother as toddlers.

So in his mind, she abandoned them and then his life was shit because of it. He was raised by abusive drug dealers and his adoptive mother is in prison. For 20 years.

He has always talked about her with so much resentment that I think that kinda rubbed off on me? Like okay. It started out as, we wanna have babies but don’t know his medical history.

And i literally have private investigator training from my family, grandad was a big time PI.

He said “I have looked for her for years and have never found anything. Don’t know if she’s even alive. I have to pay to get any public records, and I’m like? Okay let me.

*also he doesn’t have health insurance and can’t afford to get the genetic testing.*

I found her. When I found her I posted about it here anon and I think I came off angry. I can’t remember exactly what the post was about, I think I was trying to decide to contact her about medical info. I legitimately have anxiety about having a baby with him not having a clue about his family’s medical history. I’m so serious.

But then he saw a picture of her (after he asked to see) At first he acted like it was no big deal like that’s not my mom.

Then he said, “wait. Find out more.”

So I found out literally everything. I even know who his grandmother and grandpa are now and this is when It gets deep, when I met him... he showed me a picture of him in 1st grade and said “that’s the youngest you’ll ever see me.”

“I don’t have baby pictures.”

Well I found one. And I know for a fact that it’s him, because his mom said it was him in the comments and has been steady posting pictures and info inlcuding their names since he turned 18 years old.

He has been so angry because he hasn’t heard

From her. But he thought it was due to lack of effort. No, she’s been trying. She just doesn’t have a single clue where he’s at. She doesn’t know how to find him.

I looked at everything. EVERY. THING.

I know so much, that I know that he has the same mannerisms as she does. She’s also very very goofy like he is.

She seems like a very sweet, completely normal person.

I have seen everything she’s posted on every single social media platform since 2007.

I showed him everything, he asked to see it. Now, it’s not just about medical information, he wants to know so much more. He wants to know WHAT happened, why did he and his brother get taken and what’s her side of the story.

The way we planned reaching out to her is.. okay so you can only tell so much about a person through a screen and information on the internet. No idea what she’s like in her personal relationships. Human beings usually don’t get Yelp reviews.

We planned a way for him to reach out to her by sending him a picture of himself from a “new fake account” so he can remain anon, but also prove it’s him, and hes going to say something like hello I’m your kid, i have so many questions.

That way if she’s like.. not safe or not stable or emotionally abusive he can just stay anonymous and she won’t find his accounts and won’t be able to stalk him.

We don’t ASSUME she’s going to be like this, but this is him having self preservation. He said if it turns out bad, he wants an out because he’s been through enough due to the family that raised him. He’s soooo conflicted over this. I feel so bad but he literally told me to find her for medical info and that got personally interested and told me to find more. That’s his mother. I’m not gonna say “NO.” When he’s been trying for years to find her on any socailmedia. That would be brutal.

Again YES, she is looking for her sons and very open on her socials about trying to find them. She WANTS them to contact her. She talks about it at least once a week. And no, I would have never looked for her had he not told me too. Everything is literally up to him in this situation, that’s not my mom it’s his.