Polyam as therapy... but it's hard

Rant time!

So since the beginning of my relationship polyam has been discussed, but my partner is a little codependent by nature and a little scared, so I've been very patient. We've grown so much during this relationship.

I'm scared too. We've been through a lot already and I think I'm at the point, I'm ready to work towards that & pursue another relationship too. My partner and I both want this, but I feel so guilty at the thought of ever causing them pain, because I know at first, there will be growing pains.

Ultimately, I think we will build an even more solid relationship, but it's really scary considering this could ruin things.

On one hand, I know this will help ne grow out of being a people pleaser, and increase stability and trust in my relationship, and honestly, heal my self image a bit since I feel so guilty about feeling my true feelings (I've always been polyam by nature).

And my partner is going to grow by learning to be less codependent, and hopefully also talk to more people and make positive connections. I think this could help them ultimately learn to feel more secure in themselves and feel more stability.

We also just have a lot of freedom as individuals in this relationship, which is really great. I love that about us.

But yeah, it's so so scary, I will not lie. I'm really nervous just at the thought of giving my partner the space to feel their feelings- I just want to make them happy all the time- and honestly, that's part of me being too much of a people pleaser, I'm not always responsible for how everyone feels, I'm doing my best to be supportive, but actually allow my partner to work through their feelings. I know they really will need to do that to grow.

It also triggers me because my ex was very controlling and jealous, and I'm scared that my partner would start to treat me badly. My partner is wonderful and I don't think that will happen and if it does I am not responsible for someone else's bad behavior- it would just suck to lose my partner very much.

I can honestly say this is a confusing situation for me, and a little hard to navigate, I just want to do the right things.

We probably will read a book about it now lol