A long post…

Hi, so I’ll keep my identity anonymous for this post but I’m 23 years old, I have had an off and on long term relationship with my (now) ex boyfriend of 7 years… I have had 2 pregnancy losses within the 7 years with him… long story short we have been “broken up” for almost 2 years… currently we are still hanging out, texting, and having unprotected sex… he doesn’t want a relationship rn and not with me ever again… we have been through a lot to only be 23… I’ve had an abortion by him (not what I wanted at all but was pressured by him and his sisters) and a miscarriage with him 7 months after the abortion as well… after my miscarriage I blamed him for both losses. I was just so angry and hurt/lost feeling and wanting to hurt him I began cheating w an old fling that I would deal with when me and my ex were on the outs… I wasn’t cheating to replace my ex, or to be with him… i was doing for the sole purpose of hurting my ex… when my ex found out about my cheating and confronted me about it, I continued to do it for about 6 months until we mutually called it quits (in November 2020)… Im writing this bc I’m soooo torn and confused… for the past 3 weeks I’ve been wanting to have a baby… me and my ex did ACTIVELY try for a baby in 2020… (the 2 previous pregnancies were unplanned/unexpected). But since we aren’t together and he was made it very clear for the past 3 months that he doesn’t want a relationship with me now or ever again I am just left feeling like this… I want a baby, I want to start a family so badly… I’ve had these feelings before after my abortion and even after the miscarriage but never to this magnitude. My mind and body both are yearning for this… Since we have sex still unprotected I’m sitting waiting for a hopeful slip up like the previous pregnancies… just praying for pregnancy. I don’t want to just go have sex w a random Person and get pregnant bc being a single mom isn’t my goals nor is having a baby w a stranger… plus the risk of diseases/infections is too high… i feel so embarrassed posting this but I have no one else to talk to about this… if anyone can give me advice on how to overcome these feelings of wanting a baby or just their experiences please do tell.