When do kids realize some people are “different?”

Question

When do kids realize some people are different?
When do kids start bullying kids that are different? 
My son is 4 and in preschool.  He is autistic, and as far as I know, the only autistic child in his class. 
He is mild, but, it is obvious he is a bit different. 
I was hoping that kids being this young maybe they wouldn’t notice he was a little different but it seems they do? Maybe it’s in my head? 
The kids in his class are not nice to him.  They aren’t mean either, so I don’t think he is getting picked on.  But I don’t know.  I didn’t think we would be dealing with bullying at only 4 years old.  I know my son will get picked on, but I assumed when he was a little older, maybe 6 or 7. 
When I drop him off in the morning, we all wait outside.  I encourage him to say hi to his classmates, and he usually does, but they don’t say hi back unless they are standing with their parent and their parent tells them to say hi back, and they kind of all run off together.  One time my son said hi to a little girl, and she said “no, you aren’t my friend” another time a kid was walking with his mom and said “that’s the one who doesn’t talk.” They are already forming friendships and my son isn’t.  I don’t blame them for not acknowledging my son, my son doesn’t acknowledge them unless I prompt him to, so it makes sense they wouldn’t go out of their way to talk to him.  
Today his teacher sent a video.  All the kids were sitting on the carpet singing a song.  My son was really into it. He was dancing a lot.  It was really nice to see how happy he was, but there were 3 boys sitting together behind him, looking at him and laughing.  
Maybe they were laughing because they thought he was being silly? We’re they making fun of him? I don’t know.  Part of me thinks that at 4 years old, they are so innocent and too little to make fun of other kids.  Maybe I am reading too much into it.  Then another part of me is so defensive and I just have such little faith in people.  
I don’t know- would a 4 year old tell that he’s a little off? Do you think kids bully in preschool? 
*** my son is not capable of telling me if people are mean to him, and honestly I am not even sure he would notice***

Answer

Have you talked to the teacher about your concerns? Ultimately, the teacher (or any aides) are the only ones who could actually say if there is any bullying going on or if your son is having trouble making friends. 
I also have an autistic 4 y/o in preschool but he is in a SPED class so all of the kids are "different." I think my son is the only one who hasn't made friends but he is nonverbal and literally couldn't care less about interacting with others. 
I do know that my 5 y/o doesn't really notice minor differences in people yet, especially if they aren't physical. He'd notice if someone was missing an eye or something that is obvious physically. But he wouldn't notice someone who acts a little outside the norm. But like I said, I have an autistic 4 y/o so my son has grown up with a child that doesn't talk/isn't social. 
It might also be worth mentioning that my 5 y/o doesn't talk very clearly. I can understand most of what he says, but others can't. He's capable of telling me if people are bullying/making fun of him and they're not. I was really worried about him making friends because of his speech (he is in speech classes) but he's had no issues at all. The other kids don't seem to care that he speaks differently than they do. 
I wouldn't necessarily jump to them making fun of him because they were laughing. My 5 y/o son is one of those kids who is set off into giggle fits very easily, especially by other children doing something physical. He's literally peed his pants laughing at my 2 y/o dancing and singing loudly. And I definitely know he's not making fun of him. He just thinks his brother is being entertaining. Kids love singing and dancing.

Answer

Kids can bully at any age, it goes back to the parenting for sure

Answer

They might not ever know unless he says something if it’s not obvious. I went to school all through elementary, middle, and early high school with a girl with autism. I never knew she had autism until she told us she did. I just figured she was just a little quieter because she liked it that way.

Answer

So my daughter is 5 and has begun asking questions about different people. I'll give you a few examples and the way it has been handled. 
A friend of mine has a son who is 6 and mute. I told my daughter that "while he doesn't talk, he understands you and you guys can play as usual. Some people just don't like talking and that's okay" 
There was an autistic boy at the park she was playing with and he ended up getting a bit too excited and pushing her on accident. She came to me crying asking why he did that and asked about his stimming(idk how to spell it) I told her "He gets excited in a way that's different than you. Pushing is not okay but not everyone remembers that all the time. Do you think you could try again?" And they went off playing 
Lastly, she saw a man in the store with a clearly missing eye. She asked "mom! What happened to his eye? It's gone!" I told her yes it is but he's doing fine and maybe hurt it somehow and that it's not kind to point and shout like that. I used the example that she has a scar from her port (she had cancer) and some people's bodies are just different. 
Now I say this to say I believe it's the parents responsibility to teach acceptance in their kids and that it's okay to be curious but be curious to understand not to judge. My daughter has some sensory issues and it kills me when she gets singled out because of it. Everyone wants the fidget toys but no one wants to acknowledge the people that are truly relying on them.

Answer

Ask the teacher.
My daughter had some classmates when she started school ( age of 4) that “learn different”. This is how it was explained to her and to the eest of the class: “ R and XYZ learn different”
Their behaviour was disrupting sometimes. One time the boy kicked my daughter another time cursed at her. The school called me to explain but my daughter said it’s ok because he learns different…
My son is 5 now and has 1 classmates who “learns different”. All my son would ever say that “J was shouting during reading …” 
Nothing funny about it just that it was not appropriate.
I don’t think kids that young have the tendency to bully. They may have been laughing because your son was cute dancing or silly/ funny. 
But defo speak to the teacher so you have a better understanding.
And by the way my son doesn’t really make friends and often by himself: it’s his preference.

Answer

My kids know people are different & have never made fun of anyone. I think it has a lot to do with how they are raised too, but my 5 & 3 year olds know there are all kinds of people and have never made fun of anyone.

Answer

Kiddos at this age are bluntly truthful.. they aren't trying to be mean or hurtful they are just painfully honest. Though some kids at just mean and usually it's due to their home environment. My daughter is now in kindergarten and has a friend who is partial deaf and wears hearing aids and who my daughter thinks is the most amazing person on planet earth. I daughter even wants to learn ASL so when they have sleepovers and playdates and her friend doesn't want to wear her hearing aids they can still communicate.
We've taught our kiddos from infancy essentially that everyone is different and unique and beautiful in their own ways and some people have unique differences that can be seen and others differences that you can't but we should include everyone in everything as much as possible and if they are comfortable (mine daughter is a social butterfly) and also my daycare center is fantastic with showing all the kids equality in kindness and attention and inclusion. My son whose 3 1/2 is speech delayed and emotional at times and all the kiddos in his class say good morning and hello and talk to him and listen to what he says too his teachers listen as well they also teach basic ASL in all the classes to be help everyone communicate in a way that's most comfortable to them. He's been developing beautifully in his daycare setting and he only goes 3 days a week.

Answer

So at my sons pre school it’s an integrated pre school program at one of our towns public schools. There are lots of kids with autism, speech delays and lots of other different things going on. There are also neuro-typical kiddos there too. Does your son have an IEP already. He absolutely should if this is a public school in the US. The reason I mention that is there is actually a section in our sons IEP that mentions that sometimes kids with autism or any disability are picked on at some point in school. They want to be proactive and be aware and prepared if this happens in any way. I really felt better after reading that. I don’t think that it’s happening in my sons pre school class but at least his teachers are already aware of this and know it might happen at some point and if it does they are ready to deal with this situation. Im sorry your dealing with this. It’s a scary thought but your best bet is to bring this up with your sons teachers. Im hoping he already has speech or ot or aba therapy maybe at his pre school? If not those are super important imo. And maybe it makes sense to try to find a pre school that has some other kiddos that are either on the spectrum or might have a different style of learning. Just so he doesn’t feel like he’s super different from all the other kids.

When do kids realize some people are “different?”

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