Acceptance

We have two gorgeous 6 wk old newborn twins. They are truly beautiful. I'm so happy to have them and quite thankful. I'm also quite certain that I'm falling apart most days. 

I'm a FTM and now SAHM. I left my recent position mid pregnancy to plan to stay home. I read all the books. Joined all the blogs. Nothing could have prepared me for how hard this is! It's a never ending constant cycle of two diaper changes two feedings  two cleanings .., etc. there aren't enough hours in the day even if there were I doubt I'd get more than the three I'm getting!

I'm beyond the exhaustion. I find myself overly worried about EVERYTHING. Their breathing, their noises, their poop color, even about them going to school which is years away! I also find that I'm wishing for the newborn stage to end which makes me feel like a jerk! what kind of mother am I to think this way? Like because they are an inconvenience or something. Makes me start to hate myself a bit. 

I am starting to hate my DH. I'm envious that he gets to leave the house to work and gets to sleep. I'm angry that he's way less affectionate. Or maybe I'm so angry that I push him away?

I took the PPD quiz and my results were that I'm not depressed. Interesting. Spoke to my OBGYN and then started crying. Hard. Because he asked how I was doing. I'm clearly super emotionally fragile that his innocent question made me that upset. He listened to me and agreed how hard it is to parent newborns and it's double w twins. The fact that he showed compassion made me realize that I haven't shown it to myself lately. 

I read posts about others bonding w their newborns and their seamless mommy baby relationships and become jealous. How do I know that I've bonded? I hold them. Kiss them. I love them but a tiny part of me still is in awe that they are mine. How do you bond with a newborn who doesn't really show much of anything this early? IDK. Maybe this is also one of my issues. 

When I do get sleep I wake up worried. Like very worried. About them yes and then my mind races and thinks "this is my life now"?? Children are supposed to enhance the love in your life but I find myself having cabin fever and feeling like my DH and I old life has gone away. Again, this can't be normal. 

As I write this the two beauties are asleep (2-3 hrs at a time). They are colicky and having some gas which makes my heart break. They are on medicine and special milk for this. There's lots of tears but now, at this minute they are peaceful which makes me feel both proud and guilty at the same time.

I'm writing this as myself and not anon. I want to share a part of my story because on the surface no one thinks I'm depressed or anxious. No one knows the 5,000,000,000 thoughts that race through my mind constantly. No one knows how afraid that I am to feel this way and the helplessness that comes along with it. 

But I do know. I know that I can and will be a good mom to these babies. I know that acceptance is always the hardest and toughest thing to come to terms with but its the first step. I'm going to make an appointment to address my issues before it gets beyond me. I know that only I can assess my self worth and I do deserve better and my babies certainly deserve the best that I can be. 

If you're reading this and can relate to anything I've said than maybe you will find comfort in my words. Coming to terms with PPD is difficult and it's such a lonely feeling when no one in your life understands. When all I'm told is "it will get easier when they get older" well that's not comforting. I'm sure when they start to sleep longer that it will seem easier but I also know that until I address my emotional and mental issues, life will not be easy or enjoyable. 

I'm finding hope in the fact that I'm going to reach out for help and support. 

Remember your self worth and never forget, YOU are worth it. Wishing everyone peace and health.