I hate feeling this way.

Felecia • 23, mom to an adorable 1yr old

here's the backstory. I recently left the father of my son because his emotional, mental, anf financial abuse was becoming to be physical and sexual. i couldn't take it anymore. the last drawl was when our son was crying because daddy didn't pick him up and say hi when he came home from work. well my ex picked him up in a jerking motion and yelled in his face "stop crying or ill give you something to cry about" fast forward to now. my son and i are safely in another state, there is a protection order which we have court for on the 2nd and I'm happy and starting to feel more like myself. custody orders have been filed already and court is on the 20th but my issue is I can't help but be a tornado of emotions. I'm nervous and scared, sad and angry, honestly terrified to see him in court. I'm finally able to speak to God again and went to church last Sunday....he used to never let me go to church. every time I made plans or told him I wanted to go he's disappear with the car or hed say we were going and take us somewhere else. this man had me completely wrapped around his finger that I didn't even realize how bad and toxic our relationship and he was until I began to see my baby boy scared of his father or that feeling deep in the pit of your stomach where you are anxious. it got to a point where I didn't want my son alone with his father. I didn't want my son away from me. he had to be by my side 24/7. but i also think he could change I think he could be a better man, and father to our son. I feel like shit about the protective order but at the same time I know we needed it. I mean he somehow found my parents old address an address they haven't lived at for 6 years that was way before we ever got together, then found the new address. which we I never gave him either. he threatened to take my son to never let me see him again. so I did what I needed to to protect my child and myself. I want him in his son's life but I'm also terrified hell start drinking and hurt our son like he's hurt me. he's lied about so many things that I can't even understand why or how. he's hurt me so many times. ive been visiting my friend from high school, rekindling an old flame. and this is the first time in months I haven't woken up remembering the many times I was chocked or hit or pushed, woken up with him on top if me touching me holding me down. I'm free but why do i feel so badly for him. why am I finding myself wondering if he's okay or if he's thinking about his son. or worse if he's going to fight me in court. of hes going to bring up so many things that even my lawyer said the judge wont take into account. my lawyer knows everything even made me write it all down for the judge to read. that was painful. I know God will protect my son and I, i know there is a plan but why do I feel like bursting into tears. why can't I feel relieved like I should. I felt so great when I got out....it's been a month since I've left. I guess the "high" of it all is gone. I think what hurts the most is I feel like my son is suffering. he's happy he hasn't smiled this much ever. he's happy. he's acting like the cute 10 month old he is. and it feels like his father doesn't care . he knows he can ask my parents about our son or even my siblings but he hasnt. I'm so sorry this is So long. I have no friends. my bf is at work. and I have orientation today. I'm just lost. and confused and hate feeling this way. thank you if you made it this far. God bless.

update: thank you all so much. I opened a bible for the first time in years....I started reading and felt the presence of God with me. I began to cry. not because i was sad but because I could feel the love, the protection the light. then all of your comments started coming and I began to feel more uplifted. I began to feel better, to understand the situation better. I know this journey will not be easy and I know I have a lot that I need to let out into the world. I've spent so long just holding in all of these feelings towards my ex, towards the things he did, said and even I said and did out of responses. I know with God all things are possible and all things are true. so thank you all for helping me start my journey back to the best version of me. the version who trusted her Lord and the savior. who had a voice and took care of those age loved without any second thought. thank you all. despite what your beliefs may be I bless everyone of you and pray the Lord keeps you on his thoughts and prayers for y o u have helped in of his children find her way home. God bless.