Do we ever really get to move on and change

For a long time I was in a relationship fueled on many things. Those including love, passion, respect, shared intellect. Most of all we shared an understanding... an understanding for the thoughts we both had in our insanely confusing minds. I questioned everything around me and he understood that feeling. The feeling you get when you can’t seem to place yourself in this world and figure out what you are supposed to do with your life. Over the years I worked through some of my questions through my artwork. I still had many unanswered. At some point that I’m unsure of, this curiosity of mine turned into depression, anxiety, and an addiction to an overall sadness. I actually enjoyed laying alone with him, distant from everyone and everything, talking about why we wish the world was a better place but somehow it couldn’t be. We couldn’t understand how people simply can’t choose to be kind even when they know it’s right. How we both try our best to make our footprint in this world to make it better, but the world is so big so it doesn’t really matter. Especially when we couldn’t make each other better.

After seven years... I decided I needed change. I loved him, but I couldn’t support his emotional needs anymore and needed to make an attempt to focus on my own. So I did it. I told him how I felt. He was extremely heartbroken and angry...but I left.

Fast forward a year... I’m married. I met an amazing man who brings the absolute best out of me. Fills my life with unconditional love and positivity. I’m also the closest I’ve ever been with my family. Overall, I have nothing to complain about... my life is what I always hoped for.

But sometimes I think about my ex. I wonder how he’s doing. Sometimes I imagine ourselves laying in the dark listening to a record. We would lay still and keep our thoughts to ourselves and once the record finished we would smile, laugh, and pour our thoughts out to each other. What I enjoyed most of all is that he listened, and understood. But I know my relationship with him was toxic. I know that I love the man I’m with now more than anything. But I can’t seem to shake my craving for the intellectual challenge that I used to get with my ex. He was the most human person I’ve ever met.

I don’t know... I’m just beginning to think that maybe I can’t change. Maybe I’m filled with negative, scared, and low thoughts and I will never be able to shake them? Or maybe I feel guilty for the way I left him after seven years and how I broke his heart. Maybe I feel guilty for being happy and that I only deserve to feel sad.