Feeling alone and scared

I am pregnant with my rainbow. I had a mm in March 2018 and this is my third pregnancy. I also have a 3 year old that is my sunshine.

I should be 8 weeks pregnant today, but I had a scan last week that showed I measured a week behind. I went for private scan hoping it would make me feel better but it did the opposite, I am more nervous that I was before. Last time I found I had a mm was on 12th week scan and this time I just didn’t want to wait. I can’t afford to go for another scan so I guess I have to wait a month now for 12th week scan anyway ( I’m from the UK).

But there is so much on my mind I wish I could talk to someone about , but there just isn’t anyone. I have my husband, but it hurts him so much to bring this topic up and I can see him hiding his tears. I wish I could talk to a friend or a sister, or a mother, but no one really knows what I am going through. I know No one that went through miscarriage.

My sister is pregnant with second pregnancy, she is 22 weeks now and she talks about her pregnancy as it is a happy experience, and I know it is. But when I start talking about my worries and feelings people just cut the topic or don’t say anything at all.

And I am so freaking scared. Every day, every minute, every time I use the toilet I check for blood. I don’t want to know my due date, I don’t dare to know it. I am not planning birth, nursery renovation, I am scared to think more than one day into future. It is eating me from inside. As much as I am trying to be happy and positive I can’t, I can’t shake the feeling of something terrible happening. And I just wish I would have someone positive in my life to bring my spirits up and to cheer me up and support me, but all the close people in my life just don’t and don’t want to get this.

That is why I am writing here. I just want to let you know that I read your stories, I cry with you, I am happy with you and I share your fears. I don’t write often because I hate typing on touch phones and my dictionary messes up English, but I want to Thank all for you, you are my support system.