Abandonment issues ? Anyone out there?

Hello women of glow.

I’m reaching out for support /advice,

I’ve know I have some abandonment issues since forever. I am now engaged and that plus a few life situations have me triggered more lately than I ever remember.

I do deeply believe my parents did the best the had with what they were capable of. I know people had worst. And I know that my childhood still had an impact that’s not something for the positive. My parents both were married to their careers and worked a TON. My mother states she married (4th time) for someone

to take care of her other children and never cared for my father. My mother is bipolar. Actual diagnosed & not medicated and refuses any treatment. She told us often us she wished we were never born. She wanted to travel the world she never wanted to be a mother - blah blah blah. My memory is filled with very regular if not daily explosive behavior. Violent anger. She screamed and threw things and was emotionally abusive to the max. My father from a equally broken background as my mother was severely passive and basically mute to her outbursts. Basically emotional-less. I don’t remember I love yous or hugs or anything like that from him. Our house was strict, hypocritically “religious” and physical discipline was more common then expressed love.

My mother would run away frequently and say she was never coming back. Then there would be cookies and hugs and smiles after school when she decided to return. Like nothing happened. She eventually left for good and we lived with my father from then on. I basically became a mother role and cleaned cooked watched kids paid bills and all that. I moved out as soon as I could afford to as a teen. I was not nurtured. In fact I felt insanely alone. Unworthy. Unloved. Not understood and not of value to be heard. At least at home.

I’ve done loads of self improvement courses and read books and attended workshops. I’ve been in therapy as well. I read the research of how strong patterns as a child are formed and how families mold us. This scared me and urged me to seek healthy help to try and avoid repeating these behaviors and patterns.

I’ve made in my mind a ton of progress and am proud of my work. As a result to my parents working nonstop I decided to work early and hard to retire early so when I wanted children I could physically be with them unlike my childhood. I realized that’s just a “fix” and I’m not exactly upset about it because it’s made me very successful.

I’m the breadwinner and my fiancé and I have had the privilege of spending the past year together -basically not having to work. Which I’ve loved. He took his dream job a few weeks ago- which i support of course because it’s what he wants. Unfortunately his job has him working 12-48 hour shifts for a total of 50-70+ hours a week. The sudden change has trigger me in a way that honestly has scared me. I was able to Identify that the trigger was that my parents worked nonstop and it caused me to to equate work being more important then me. Now it’s obvious and reasonable that I now will have less time with my fiancé. And the logic doesn’t seem to make a difference in my being triggered.

He’s frustrated like hey I just worked 24 hours and am exhausted. I don’t want to hang out or have sex or go on dates. Which I get is reasonable. My reaction is fair from. I’m having panic attacks - thoughts like he’s going to leave me I’m not important I’m not of value works more important - these flood my mind. The problem is when I’m fully caught in that rabbit hole I can’t seem to pull out. I can’t seem to see I’m not in danger I’m safe and no one is leaving me. I’m trying to learn what my needs are and more importantly how I can meet them myself. I realize relying on my partner or anyone to meet all my needs is unrealistic. And when I’m alone and feeling rejected which feels like abandonment- I can’t pull out. I’m almost hysterical. Sobbing hard time breathing at its worst - I think the thought that is there is I’m alone and no one cares about me. (I feel so dramatic but this is my truth right now)

I haven’t experienced this as an adult until now. I think the commitment of marriage that’s approaching challenges my “I’m all alone story” and fear of being left pops up as I essentially push away my partner. I did experience these feelings as a teen and child so as uncomfortable and uncommon as they are they are indeed familiar.

Then I get cold which is unreasonable. I’m moody. I get snippy, I withdrawal. This cycle is unhealthy. I know it could cause my biggest fear with time if it continued - which is loosing him.

Im curious if anyone has conquered abandonment/ healed their inner child and has advise? Anything help to install a sense of self control and self care / self sooth? Any one have any tips to pull out of those emotions when they show up?

I love this man and my thoughts and emotions are so reactionary it feels out of control. I am having a hard time identifying my needs and how to meet them myself and trust myself to meet them. Any (preferable kind/gentle) guidance would be appreciated.

And for those concerned I am working regularly with a professional. Im having a particularly bad month emotionally and am reaching for additional support and ideas. If you think I’m a loon and don’t have anything nice to say please don’t.

Thanks ladies!