Emotions catching up with me

I was 5 weeks and 3 days and was off. I knew. I could “feel” it. My boyfriend is amazing and supportive and we headed to the ER due to spotting. It wasn’t crazy, but I knew what it was.

This is my fourth miscarriage. I had three before I had my daughter 4 years ago, and I was pregnant with my son before she was a year old. The ER Trip was stressful. So much waiting. We were brought in a triage room (after bloodwork and an ultrasound), to tell me I wouldn’t be pregnant much longer. I was then shoved back out into a busy ER waiting room. It took them 2 hours to get my Rhogam shot. I understand I am not the only patient. But why couldn’t they have the shot ready so I could just go home?? We walked in the door at 2:45pm. We didn’t leave until 9pm.

I’ve done nothing but stay busy, even when I have felt terrible. Horrific cramping and bleeding. Day 6 it’s finally slowing down. It’s catching up with me. I am crying randomly, and definitely struggling.

I just don’t understand. I know the science behind it. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t wonder what could have been. I don’t even know how to properly grieve.