Before I start I want people to understand that I am in therapy and I understand that this needs to be handled by a professional not just venting on the internet. I don't talk about being bipolar with people I know as it's a rough thing to explain to a lot of people. New people tend to bail on me when they realize how damaged I am. I'm 23 and have had severe mood swings since I was very young. At this point I know my cycles pretty well. I tend to be severely depressed for months at a time, often feeling completely empty, numb, inhuman, and tend to self harm to prove I still feel things. The self harm has gotten better since I learned to recognize my moods. I sleep CONSTANTLY and have a hard time being social. Usually somewhere towards the end of this, before the manic hits, it morphs into irritability and I generally steer clear of people and have my roommate keeps my pets away from me because I know I'm prone to super violent outbursts at this point. My roommate (and ex bf) has to be a saint to deal with me at this point, on several occasions I've tried my damnedest to cause him actual harm. After that, it's like this huge release of what we can "unused emotions" and I hit the manic part HARD. I go into what I refer to as my "ultra cute phase" because to people who don't know I'm bipolar are constantly telling I'm acting extra adorable. My confidence goes through the roof, I lose all my depression weight, I buy EVERYTHING (new drum set this time, which is actually great for my aggression though) I also am CONSTANTLY horny at this point, which is why I have a very strict one partner at a time rule. I also have a dangerous habit of seeking out pain for the rush. I tend to switch jobs at this point too, though I'm proud to say I don't feel that urge this time. This is easily the part I have under control the best and tend to be more able to handle all the emotions I shoved down while depressed. Unfortunately it also means I have a habit of going 72 straight hours at a time without sleep. This only lasts for about a month before I crash, I sleep for an ENTIRE day and after that I have couple months where I feel like myself again. I run damage control, spend as little money as possible and move it all into a secure bank account, which I give the card to my friend when I feel the manic coming on. That way I know I'm not going to end up homeless or something when I get spendy.

I know this is really long and might seem kind of like a pointless ramble, but I needed to get it all down. I had a rough day today. My current FWB, noticed my manic swing picking up today and asked me why I was being "so damn cute and energetic" he knows I'm bipolar, but I don't really think he quite understands what that means in regards to my personality changing. I think he really cares about me, but we met while I was really closed off and he hasn't seen the worst parts of me yet. He's kind of quiet and mellow, and doesn't do emotions well so it meant a lot that he tried to talk to me about it. I'm just worried he can't handle my mania being the kind of person he is. I'm at the beginning of my manic swing now I think... And for the first time since grade school I've gone a full year without hurting myself. I really thought that I wasn't going to hit my manic swing this time... I'm really mad at myself. I want to believe that I'm learning to handle it, that things are getting better, that I won't need drugs to keep me from killing myself when my depression hits, that I'll get through this manic swing with more of a clear head than I have before, and that maybe I'll be able to be me for a little bit longer this time. But hope feels like such a foreign thing to me, and I feel like the harder I hope the worse the disappointment will be when I realize that I'm not doing better, I just feel really good about myself when I'm manic.

I know there are others out there going through something similar... And I want you to know that even though I might not be able to believe in myself right now... I believe in you and I hope with all of my heart that you live and full and happy life.

Wow, this was longer than intended 😅