I was doing alright the first two weeks, now almost four weeks later I’m literally tearing my hair out.

I regret having a child at 18, I resent my fiancé and all I want to do is runaway. I’d never neglect or do anything wrong towards my baby and I’ll continuously do everything in my power to look after her and keep her safe while she’s in my care. She’s my responsibility but I can’t help but wish that she wasn’t.

I never originally wanted kids, I made the stupid decision of falling pregnant because I wanted to make my fiancé happy - now that I’ve actually had her I can finally admit that. He wanted one and didn’t want to peruse our relationship if we didn’t plan on having kids. My anxiety of loss got the better of me, so we began having unprotected sex, falling pregnant within the month of trying. Through the pregnancy I was miserable but only when I was alone but as soon as I was in the company of anyone I put my mask on and faked every smile and conversation.

Now I feel as if I’m in one big bad dream, realising that no matter how many breaks or time off I may have in the future, I’ll only have to go back to the same responsibility. Everyone keeps on telling me to hold out as the baby will grow into a routine soon enough and it’ll get ‘easier’, but the truth is I don’t even want to take care of a toddler who sleeps through the night and has a nap in the day. I cannot cope and I just wish I had my life back. I can’t even look or feel the same way about my fiancé anymore. I don’t want to have sex, I don’t want to cuddle, I literally don’t want to be around anyone anymore.

Before I get the comments saying ‘you should’ve been more careful’ or ‘you should’ve thought about this’, I did. I did through the entire pregnancy and I know that I’m the only person who’s truly brought this to my doorstep. I’m the one to blame no matter how much resent builds up inside of me. People would kill to be the position I’m in but all I want to do is walk away. I can’t wake up from this horrible dream. All I want is to be alone, dead or at least free. I feel so much guilt and so much pressure, I just don’t know what to do😓😓

EDIT: Due to breastfeeding I haven’t yet started my medication again, which I hope to do so soon.