Should i make it my responsibility to fix our relationship?

Question

I don’t really have a relationship with my dad. He has been very “there but not there” basically my whole life and during my childhood he was very mentally and emotionally abusive, sometimes physically. Well once he and I had a very bad incident(physical abuse) when I was maybe 12/13  and it only made our relationship worse. I’m in my 20s now but I just can’t seem to “let go” of how he’s treated me. I don’t let him hug me, I don’t speak to him if I don’t have to, and he is someone that easily triggers me. I’ve even gone to therapy but it’s like no matter what I do I can’t change the way I feel. I don’t wanna be bitter anymore and every once in awhile it seems like he tries to reach out to me but it’s like I can’t accept it and a part of me gets mad that he waited till I was in my 20s to do so. We never speak about the incident and i know if I tried to bring it up it would quickly get dismissed. I don’t know what to do anymore because I honestly feel like I’m blocking my own growth as a person. I feel like I’ve been waiting on acknowledgement/apology that I’m never going to get.

Answer

My dad is the same. Was abusive when he was with my mom. Once they divorced he never really came around. He'd promise to pick me up and spend time with me and would never show up. I grew up with abandonment issues. Held on to a lot of that anger into my late 20's. I'm 35 now and have no relationship with him by choice. It was hard at the moment to let go but honestly, it was the best decision I made. He recently tried to call me for the first time in a few years and I didn't answer. I wont call him back either. I feel no guilt for standing up and saying enough is enough.

Answer

Stop waiting for that apology. Definitely something you need to work out in therapy: the fact that you most likely will not get an apology. I actually read an interesting article in Psychology today about dialectics. It's an interesting concept of basically understanding every action has a reaction and that there is a reason behind each action which helps you understand and accept others' behaviors because of the knowledge that the person acts the way they do because of something that happened in THEIR life and has nothing to do directly with you and can lead to healing and repairing relationships. I would definitely explore it with your therapist first for a good way to approach your guys' relationship and what exactly you want to get out of it.

Answer

My father was the same way and for a long time I tried to fix things. Put in the effort kept hoping he would change and apologize ect ect. But nothing changed and I just got more hurt and more angry. So about a year ago I blocked him completely. No contact at all except at my sisters wedding. I am in therapy and working out the issues I am left with. It was one of the best choices I have made.

Should i make it my responsibility to fix our relationship?

Let’s Glow

Glow is here for you on your path to pregnancy

25+ million

4.8 stars

20+

Getting Pregnant

Pregnancy

1st Year (Baby & You)

Baby Products