So husband and I have continued to fight. Daughter is now 2 months old. After my last post, I took some of y’all’s advice and tried to back off and just go in another room if he yells/raises his voice at the baby when she’s crying. But this past week it’s escalated to him yelling and cursing at the baby. She was understandably crying/shrieking because we had just suctioned her nose (she has a cold). After he handed her off to me he went around the house slamming things. He’s upset with me that I find this behavior so offensive and he doesn’t see anything wrong with how he behaved. He says he should be allowed to express anger. Also for a while now when she is crying from being overtired and can’t settle down for a nap he pats her on the behind. Over the past month he has started patting harder and harder and he knows I don’t like this. Today was the hardest he’d done it. I calmly told him “that’s too hard”. He set our daughter down and blew up cursing and left the house. I’m over it. I don’t care if he’s upset. I can’t keep holding my tongue for fear that he will get upset. And for the record, I have never raised my voice at him. I have never cursed at him. I have never slammed a door, etc. I’m not saying he should never do these things but it can’t be his immediate go to. He needs to grow up and learn another damn coping skill.

I’m just worried now that this is the downfall of our marriage. I don’t think I could have done anything differently though. I have to stand up and say something if I think he is doing something physically/emotionally harmful to our daughter.

I need encouragement and advice.

ORIGINAL POST:

I worried about making this post because I don’t want people to assume the worst and bash my husband. Our daughter is a month old. My husband and I have had a few significant arguments since her birth. We rarely fight usually but any time there is a major change in our life, I’ve noticed frequent arguments is a subsequent growing pain. Three times now we have argued relating to how he interacts with our daughter. Each time, the argument has begun because I’ve told him I’m uncomfortable or unhappy with how he talks to her. Specifically when she is crying/screaming inconsolably, he raises his voice to her. He’s explained that in the moment he’s choosing to do so to try to get her attention to stop screaming because her crying is so loud that it’s hard to get her attention to even soothe her. However when I hear him talk to her this way (in combination with her screaming her head off) it feels like my brain is on fire and I want to yell at him and grab her from him. Each time I’ve given him feedback on this, it leaves him feeling demoralized as a parent and he sulks for days. He really is an amazing father and husband. When the baby isn’t inconsolably crying, he snuggles her and is always happy to change her diaper and loves playing with her and having sweet little conversations with her. He’s been amazing to me constantly offering to watch her so I can nap and he pretty much cooks every meal for us and has been so supportive.

I’m curious to hear if others had arguments with their partners after birth and advice on how to handle that. I’m worried about demoralizing his belief in his ability to be a good dad AND I don’t think it’s ok for him to raise his voice at a newborn (it’s not effective and I worry about the effect it has on her). Additionally I’m worried that these frequent arguments about his parenting style are going to drive an emotional wedge between us. I don’t want to end up being the “default parent” because he feels he always does it wrong. I want to build his skills and esteem while not having to correct him and make it seem like I know the “right way” to parent.