I’m in a toxic relationship

I’ve been in this relationship for 4 years we are both toxic but the more I try to get out of the toxic behaviors the more I am being shut down. I mean I have severe mental issues I didn’t chose to have a fight mode that rarely turns off and a flight mode that will completely shut me down.

If I could be normal I would be but I’m not so I’ve tried to tell him how to help me even when I can barely talk but no matter how many times I tell him the things that he’s doing to cause my frustration to escalate he won’t stop. I finally identified why I was getting physically aggressive and I am having to PLEAD for him to not throw that trigger out (he gestures aggressively and flings his arms towards me and it causes my fight mode to kick in and I slap before I can be slapped even if he reasonably isn’t going to hit me I still can’t help but be terrified)

Also before anyone says that it’s easy to control your own body and actions please do some heavy research on Bipolar, Borderline Personality Disorder, and C-PTSD then imagine putting them into a stew together.

I am not fully sure why I’m even writing this I know I have to get away from how toxic we are but I am having a hard time, he always acts like our fights never happened even if I say I am done and want to just be roomates he basically dosent listen until I’m mentally worn down and will just go with whatever.

He knows I have terrible memory and sometimes I feel

Like he uses it to say mean things knowing I won’t remember what he said I just will feel hurt knowing we were fighting and he was being mean. I can remember some things that just tend to stick because it crosses a line like the other day I was telling my cat to stop attacking my sweet and he said to just get rid of her if she’s such a bother. I made it clear he would be gone long long loooonnnggg before I got rid of any of my animals

I just feel lost, I’m tired of begging him to not say “I don’t know” and “I’m sorry” to EVERYTHING and I’m tired of answering so many questions I mean we can be fighting for 4 hours and I end up saying when it’s calmed down a little “I am so flustered” and he will snap and say “about what” like about us fighting for 4 hours nincompoop

He plays the victim a lot during our fights too this is a huge issue. I will tell him “well you did X and it really made me uncomfortable” and instead of talking about it he says he can’t talk about it since it’s a problem I have and thats something for me to talk about (like he can’t use his 1/2 a brain cell to respond to anything I say ANYTHING with any sort of productiveness) if he does respond to me saying one thing like “well you did x” it will always be “well you do Z and I don’t like that”

Like neat cool you don’t like Z but we were talking about X 🙃🥲