Am I defensive?

Question

So sometimes my bf will say something and he thinks I’m defending myself. I feel like I’m just explaining or just telling him. What do you think? Here’s what happened today. He made a comment “we need to vacuum the floor” I said “yeah I know I just picked everything up today so we can” he said there was no need to defend myself? 
Then he ask me to wake him up earlier and I say “okay what time” he tells me then says “not trying to be mean but we just talked about this” I started saying “I understand but I wasn’t sure since we didn’t talk about a time last time, so I started with 10 mins earlier than usual” and he just started screaming at me that he’s not attacking me so I have no reason to defend myself. 
Am I defending myself without noticing? Or is he thinking I am? Thanks.

Answer

No. Sounds like he’s gaslighting you

Answer

It seems to me some people see an answer back to something that wasn’t a question is a form of “back talk” and that is definitely a way of being defensive. So just based on your post here when he said the floor needs to be vacuumed. He was making a statement and didn’t think it needed a response. 
You know, in my mind, it seems controlling. But if you are able to pause and reflect on what he says, maybe you will see that he doesn’t need a response and you will want to change your behavior. For the record, you don’t have to change anything if you don’t want to. But if you and him aren’t able to meet in the middle about this, then eventually it will cause resentment and the relationship will fail. 
I understand where you are coming from. My husband is the same. He makes a statement and doesn’t need a response. But I am an explainer, a think out loud kind of person and seem to have the habit to respond in order to confirm I heard the statement and to validate it. I also speak with a 3 year old 99% of the time so when an adult speaks with me, I seem to get alittle excited, I guess. But my husband is the opposite. He doesn’t explain, he doesn’t validate, he isn’t really a great listener. So in the same scenario…my husband would say the floor needs to be vacuumed and I would respond, he might get annoyed. 
You need to know which battles to pick. If you can’t understand where he is coming from and aren’t willing to accept it then you should move on.

Answer

My boyfriend literally does me the same way. I don’t think I defend myself I think I just word things in a way that he thinks that’s what I’m doing.

Answer

Just the second one about the time seems a liiiiiittle defensive but it's mostly probably in the way you say things? I tend to do that a lot and not realize it until someone points it out. However, your bf just seems like an asshole for yelling at you

Am I defensive?

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