Needing nothing but a kind word

As I lay here in bed, quietly crying as my heart breaks into a million pieces for the hundredth time…… I am deciding I just can’t do it anymore.

My husband has a drinking problem. He has chronic depression that’s never been diagnosed because he’s afraid of the stigma. I KNOW that until he decides that he will seek help on his own and desire for things to be different……..

I will never be enough.

Our 3 beautiful kids will never be enough.

Our unborn child, expected any day now, will never be enough.

The only people in the world he was afraid of letting them see him for who he truly is, are his parents. And we crossed that bridge last year. Now the drinking is just there and all of us deal with it. I silently keep it all in. His parents pretend it isn’t there.

Everything I have ever done, gone through, sacrificed………. For us, for the life we have, the future I had hoped for. It isn’t enough for him to decide not to pick up that bottle.

I’ve done so much. Given so much. A part of me is raging with anger and frustration and if I were comparable to a force of nature, I’d be a hurricane.

But mostly, I’m just so god damn sad.

I don’t know exactly what I’m going to do tomorrow. Or exactly how to go about things. But I’m tired of being so disappointed and crying all the time. Just tired.

Thank you for listening.