I finally did it

I told my husband last month that I couldn't do this anymore, and thought we should separate. He left for the weekend, after begging me to change my mind, but I refused. He's been abusive (emotionally, verbally, physically, sexual pressure) since we had kids, and I'm on a constant emotional roller coaster of him doing really nice things vs. him giving me the silent treatment because he doesn't like something I do. I'm also tired of his substance use. He finally started to come to couples' counseling several months ago, and while I can tell that therapist is like "wtf is he thinking?" with some of his responses and expectations, I feel like it's sometimes like we're talking about what "we" can do better or differently when really, I've realized that he is abusive and I feel like I've checked out emotionally because of it. I've said point blank that I can't want to be intimate with someone who has called me a bitch dozens of times (including when I asked him to feed the baby in the middle of the night when I'd literally gone months without a full night's sleep) and refused to participate more with child care when I was literally begging for help because I was going on 4 hours of sleep at night and still having to work full time.

The day after he left, my toddler and I come down with what was probably the flu. He kept texting me, begging to come back and prove to me that he'll change, etc. I ignored all of them, but when he shows back up on Sunday, I felt like I had no choice but to let him back. I was too sick to take care of the kids, and the family that came over to help while he was gone came down sick too.

This morning, he wanted to snuggle and kiss and I don't even want to kiss him (feel too traumatized and betrayed) but did anyway and then wanted to stop (before he wanted to stop). I told him I didn't want to, and he said that he should feel guilty for wanting to kiss his wife for longer than a few seconds? I told him that he needs to respect my body and how I want it touched, and that he has promised dozens of times that he would change and then he does for a little while, before things go back to the way they were before. I said that I'm not his property, and that he needs to respect my wishes about how I want my body touched. He left the room and went downstairs to start getting breakfast ready, without saying another word, and then ignores me the whole times were getting the kids ready. A few hours later, he starts texting me pictures of our happy memories.

I was sick for several weeks, and now that I'm feeling better, I found out that I need to have surgery soon, and I won't be able to lift the kids for several weeks. I feel so trapped. Like I need his help but I don't want to be intimate with him, don't want our kids to think all this is normal, and I'm just so tired of the daily emotional roller coaster and abuse, and I thought I was out, but now feel like I can't be right now, and I'm struggling with feeling like I was "free" only to be trapped again. I know we deserve better and I want to show my kids that. This is so hard.