It’s one year into our marriage and gosh this is so hard. Choosing to love someone even when they’re being nasty is easier said than done. I’ve been going to therapy for a few weeks now cause I’m stressing, having anxiety attacks and feeling depressed in waves. I’m trying my hardest every day to look forward. And of course I’m going through my set of problems. In this case: always feeling attacked.

Anytime my husband criticizes me, I usually feel attacked. For instance, today, we went to run errands and used his truck. When we were parking, I turned the wheel all the way in to park and he got mad at me. He told me that it’s messing up his truck and I told him I’m sorry but that’s how I park and I don’t know how else. He got out to run into the store and when he came back out to leave, I made sure to not turn the wheel all the way…well I ended up blocking part of the entry way while I was trying to leave the parking lot because I didn’t turn the wheel all the way, so the truck was kinda out. He got mad at me again for doing that and not knowing how to drive properly.

I told him that lately the way he’s been talking to me about his truck is not okay. I said that he gets mad at me and will talk to me the way he wants and it’s making me not want to drive it anymore. Instead of him listening to what I was saying he got even more mad. He said that if I can’t take criticism from him about his truck that has nothing to do with me then I need to grow up.

And gosh…when I saw him starting to get more upset,I told him to drop it. I told him when he gets mad, he’s selfish. All he thinks about is what he’s feeling and what he wants to say, but me, I think about how we can move on from this to enjoy whatever time we have left in the day. And he blew up. I think all he heard was selfish and that just triggered him. He started yelling…I mean YELLING in the car “NO shut the fuck up about me being selfish. If I was selfish I would’ve put a bullet in my head a long time ago and not given a shit about your ass! If I was selfish I wouldn’t have taken care of you while you were depressed and I could’ve let your ass fucking die! But I didn’t! But no everything I say always makes me the fucking bad guy right? I’m always the fucking cold hearted asshole huh?! Man just shut the fuck up with all the shit and grow a fucking pair! You’re still so fucking weak. You can’t even take any fucking criticism without making it about yourself and how stupid you are and what not! Get the fuck outta here!…”

He probably went on for 4 minutes straight just screaming and cursing at me in the car after I literally just told him that I don’t like the way he was talking to me about his car…he decides to behave this way? And just for in the end him to say “You’re allowed to feel whatever you want cause you’re going through stuff but what about me?! What, do you think I don’t have anything going on with me?!”…I stayed quiet. After he yelled I tapped out the conversation.

He gets like this. If he gets too upset, he blurts out whatever he’s thinking and feeling. It truly hurt me to hear my own husband talk to me that way. Do I easily get hurt? Probably. Am I sensitive? Yeah. Am I emotional? Yeah. But he knew all this. And he knows what I’m going through because I talk about it. I always ask him how his day is going and how work was. Anytime his family gets involved I ask him how he’s doing. I always ask him, how is it my fault he doesn’t talk about it??

He’s never put hands on me before or even raised a hand but the way he screamed at me…I hated it so much. It literally took every inch of my body to hold back the tears. We were supposed to get food for me to eat (he had ate when he got home) and after our argument he dropped me off and left to finish running his errands. Fuck me right??? Now I can’t stop crying and what am I supposed to do? I obviously can’t talk to him…it’s too embarrassing to tell others…so again I’m all alone…