I gotta get this off my chest 💨💨

Ok. Im going to do my best to explain excuse my grammar and punctuation or lack thereof.

So Hi im ........ ......... lol Im telling some stuff I feel is really deep should make a proper introduction. Im in my early 20's diagnosed bipolar and like the bad kind like my anger goes 0-a trillion for a lot of things. I didnt get diagnosed until a looked for a therapist (2yrs and stopped) and physiatrist(2 and still going). Now I have 3 children pregnant with my (Married) now i take my meds as prescribed faithfully because I know what will happen if I don't. FACTSSSSS! I smoke cannabis. Yes I still function as a mother very well and smoke. Now im pregnant I've been trying to quit smoking i talked to my doctor he tells me they are the only pills I can while pregnant in fear of possible side effects. I don't feel like the completely help like they should alone. Being pregant my hormones all over the place. So I doubled my dosage to keep all worrys at bay I HATE being angry. because my angry has no name when I snap I snap and no matter now much I apologize im afraid my kids will fear me. So I smoke the combination I feel helps me over all like smiles, butterflies, outdoor activities, park trips. Without any possibility of my anger snapping. Now I feel guilty for my unborn child. My other kids I didnt have the meds although I didnt start smoking until after my second child. Bad relationships either cry or be high so I smoked. So my third child I smoked and the worker came I simply explained and she left. this is my personal problem I live with. Im still rather early in this pregnancy and I love my unborn but I know if i just take my pills i will not be safe. Like i wish I had the words to explain the rage but. And I rather smoke than give it the opportunity to come out. Im not sure if im asking for an opinion or just to get it out. I love ALL my children and my husband and im making strides to be better and stay better but I smoke it helps me 🤷🏻‍♀️. Don't pick apart my story now im doing my best like everyone else.