Postnatal depression

Hi all just needing a bit of a vent or something idk.

I’m 6 weeks PP following a “complicated” delivery. He was my first, a big baby and I had to have forceps etc.

Baby blues set in fast and six weeks on they’ve never really gone away. My health visitor says I have a wonderful bond with the baby and so on. I love him but sometimes I worry that I just don’t.

I hate my new body, I hate my husband, I hate that I have no help. Fell out with my mother when I was pregnant. No family around to help and I’m just so lonely it’s the worst. I can’t begin to describe everything I feel. I just feel the worst I’ve felt but too scared to take my antidepressants and everyone around me (though afar) has dropped me completely and I feel like I have no where to go.