Recently I've been getting more and more upset more frequently. I'm not sure why. I'm confused on what's wrong with me. I've always been a bubbly person around my friends, I'm very rarely ever upset, it's a lot of pressure to be the one who everyone relies on for cheering up. But I feel as though as soon as I want to get involved with something or need help, I'm completely irrelevant, like a stranger to them. I love my close friends very dearly and with the exception of my best friend, I get absolutely agitated with literally everything they do sometimes. Is this normal? I have a boyfriend who I absolutely adore, with my entire heart and soul, he feels the same way and I'm so thankful for that, however for this last week or two, I've been the most easily irritable person I've ever been. I've had the least energy to do anything. It's a struggle to get up in mornings to eat or drink, it's even a chore to talk to my best friend and boyfriend. Like I cannot pick up my phone to even answer "hey xxx" or something. I've struggled with self harm and felt as though I had gotten cured for a while, a year or two now and everything was fine until two weeks ago. My boyfriend knows and we made a promise to tell him if I do so so he can be aware for my safety. But I didn't want to tell him this time, I completely ignored it until 5 days or so after I finished, I told him because the guilt of not telling him was tearing me apart. I told him and he insisted I showed him the damage and explainer. I felt so agitated that he did so and kept pushing after I kept refusing and saying I wasn't comfortable. He took this offensively and our communication has been getting worse over the last 4 days since I mentioned it. I'm terribly impulsive when anxious and under pressure so I don't think about what I do, I just act. It's a defence mechanism. I understand now much pressure this is for him however I feel like he's being disrespectful to my privacy despite me explaining I'll tell him when I'm ready. We're long distance and have had disagreements in the past however this time, my self critical thinking got the best of me and in defence to his comments, I spoke unfairly aggressively. I apologised but he didn't accept it I think. We have nicknames for eachother, we rarely ever use our names when having a conversation because we're so comfortable with eachother, we use real names when extremely unhappy. He used my name and said he's going to bed and that I should stop bothering to explain myself. I'm just very confused. I keep crying over it because I was so close to getting comfy and sharing with him what he wanted but now, after begging me to explain stuff, he's telling me to not explain anything. I can't find a therapist anywhere that I can afford, I've tried free charities but they don't do anything much to help me, I can't talk to anyone else trusted and I feel like I've been thinking about suicide which is very concerning to me. Another thing I'm unhappy with is my boyfriend making speaking in ways that make me sound in the wrong and as though I'm faking my problems for attention. I admit I'm a very clingy and attention seeking person, I need the attention as the only safe way of validation I have that I'm loved. But I know I've never ever faked my problems... I just feel like I can't control anything anymore. And I hate it. There's so many more things I could detail... But I honestly can't.... Any help would be appreciated please.