Yo 10 year old you
I honestly don't even know how to address you. "Sup kiddo," "hey boy," "white trash skanky a** b****," "drama queen," "dirty girl who needs to take a f****** shower," "lying b****," "my worst mistake," ...you, I will call you, "you." Knowing everything I know then & now, I just want to give you the biggest hug & never let go. You were a beautiful, intelligent, strong little lady who had to grow up before her time. You always had so much knowledge but hadn't had the time to gather life experiences. You were naïve & innocent, despite everything you had seen, heard, & been through in your life. You wanted nothing more than to get through school, become a doctor, & help all of the people you could in this world. You were *not* the head of the household. It was *not* your responsibility to remedy the fights that happened between adults that had waaay too much to drink. It was *not* your fault that things happened the way that they did. You wanted so badly to fit in but your actions always said the opposite & isolated you. You needed something to believe in; however, all around you was negativity, hatred, unhappiness...heartache. Life is life, dear you. I wish I could tell you that "everything happens for a reason," but I can't lie to you anymore. You were smart enough to know that you did not deserve that kind of life. The older you got, I watched the negative change you. Your coping mechanisms enabled you to survive, "survival of the fittest." You always knew how to find your safe place, school. After you became known as "the girl whose uncle killed himself," you lost a valuable skill in all of the name calling & awful day-to-day grade school bullying: the ability to trust. The only person you could ever trust was yourself. You knew what you needed, so you looked out for #1. Unfortunately, you did not know the ramifications of your actions...I mean how could you? You transformed into a monster. You became everything you ever hated in your family & friends. You always did feel emotions way too strongly, & never knew how to process them...so you pushed them deep down inside yourself. Don't you worry though sweet child, they are all still right where you left them! You lashed out at the world: "why me," "I wish I was riding shotgun," "I hate myself," "I hate my family," "I hate everything." You were hurting, trapped in such unbelievable agony. You were always searching for an outlet, an escape...a way out. You were very depressed & absolutely *no one* had the right to judge you for your feelings. You had no way of knowing what life had in store for you and I still cannot tell you with certainty. What I can say without a single doubt in my mind is this: your story *will* continue. You had thought about "throwing in the towel" & giving up (& later, unfortunately, you would try & try & try to end everything); fortunately, something inside yourself (or perhaps something outside yourself/supernatural) kept you moving forward. You kept on fighting your inner demons. You continued to learn & grow. You have not always made good choices, dear one...but you have lived & learned. Everybody makes mistakes, nobody is perfect...& all of those people who tried to act high & mighty with you had *no place* to tell you your business because they *did not* live in your shoes. The point of this long winded tall tale is this: you are important. So many emotionally exhausting years have passed, but your importance in the big picture is still *& always will be* relevant. You are human & "to err is human." I am asking for your forgiveness because what I have come to realize is that you are my worst enemy. I will not continue to project your insecurities onward into the here & now (& future). You have no power over me or anyone else. You are free to rest now, present 'you' has control of the situation now; also, unlike you she *is* an adult who *is* responsible & capable of taking care of herself & those around her. So, wherever you are: sit back, relax, go ride your bike, watch wrestling, play with your sissy, be a happy & healthy kid...future 'you' has the wheel now. Love you always, your future self.