The reality of miscarriage

I have to let my feelings out. I can’t post this anywhere else because not everyone knows of my miscarriage, and I still am not ready for everyone to know, but this is a safe place for me.

My fiancé and I decided we wanted to start trying for a baby in April 2018. The first time, we didn’t succeed because my period started April 20th. I wasn’t keeping track of my cycle, I didn’t know when I was ovulating, we just did the “baby dance” anytime we could and prayed for god to give us a baby if he saw fit. Everything is up to him. He has a plan. This, I have to continue to remember.

Over a month went by, and then it was June 4th. I realized that I still had not had my period. They are irregular, I will admit, and I didn’t even think I was pregnant, my fiancé was the one who thought we should test at this point. So, we went to Walmart and grabbed a test. We took a digital at first and the entire time we were waiting for the result to pop up, I kept saying “I don’t know why we are doing this, it’s going to say no.” Over and over again I said that. Those 3 minutes felt like they took forever. I held my finger over where the result would show and just let the clock be seen, once the clock disappeared, it took me a few seconds for me to move my finger so that my fiancé and I could see the result. I knew it was going to say no, but I still wasn’t ready for that little heartache you get every time you see it. Finally, I moved my finger and we saw...

YES+

I was shocked! My jaw dropped and I didn’t say anything for what felt like hours. Then, I cried. In that moment, I thought of my whole life ahead of me. I was so so beyond excited, and I was so blessed that we were able to conceive on our second try!

The next day, I had light spotting and mild cramping. I was scared, I waited a few days and called my doctor June 6th, that day, they got me in for blood tests and an ultrasound. At this point my hcg levels were good, and I was supposed to be 7 weeks exactly. When we got the ultrasound, I got to see my baby. The baby was measuring only 5 weeks though, and we could not find a heartbeat. We thought that maybe we just conceived later than we thought as my periods aren’t normal. So we waited a few days and went back for more blood tests and another ultrasound. At this point though, I was bleeding heavily and cramping. I knew it was over. On June 8th, my Hcg levels were significantly lower, and my uterus, was empty. I was indeed miscarrying. Hours after I felt a tiny bit of pressure as I was using the bathroom and that’s when I past a HUGE clot. It was my baby. I had just “given birth” to my 5 week gestational age lifeless baby.

Luckily, I was able to miscarry naturally and was safe in comfortable in my own home to grieve. The weeks to follow I was severely depressed. My entire life I had planned out since finding out I was pregnant was all ripped away from me just four days after finding out the good news. I was pregnant between 5-7 weeks, not sure exactly, but only knew for 4 days. Those 4 days were the hardest, yet also in a way, the best days of my life.

There were two other girls that were due right around the same time as me, they announced later and as I watch their pregnancy’s grow I feel bitter. I also feel so much joy for them, but I just feel so bitter. Why did my baby have to go? It’s not fair. One girl, had only been with her boyfriend a few months when she got pregnant, and the other, wasn’t even with anyone. I don’t know who the father is. And in that I find myself enraged. I am soon going to be married to my fiancé, and we had to lose our sweet baby, but she can mother a baby she didn’t want nor plan to have. It is wrong to feel this way, I know, but I am a grieving MOTHER.

Yes, I am a mother. I was only pregnant for a short period of time but I was 100% pregnant and I feel 100% of the grief. I thought of a million things I could have done differently before I found out I was pregnant and maybe my baby wouldn’t have died. But, I know it was not my fault. I never knew my baby and I never will, but I love my baby with every ounce of my being and I will continue to love my baby for the rest of my life.

I continue to grieve my baby and I continue to count down until my due date which is quickly approaching. I would be 32 weeks tomorrow. I would know the gender by now. Everyone would know if my baby, we would have the name picked out, and the nursery ready for baby’s arrival.

But, instead I see others pregnancy announcements and I cry. I will never know the gender of my baby even though I felt and still feel it was a baby girl. Only a select few know of my baby. And I have an empty second room in my home.

As of now, we are trying again. We take the pain day by day. We knew mow that God has a reason for everything he does. He will give us a healthy, happy baby when he believes we are ready. We didn’t know then, we don’t know now, and we may not know for weeks, months, years or even ever as to why our baby was taken away, but God has it all figured out, and I fully trust in him.

In the end, it is OK for you you to grieve and early or late miscarriage. Just because yours was early doesn’t make your baby any less of a baby. It is OK to be angry when you discover others are pregnant. It is OK to be happy too. It is OK to feel anything you are feeling because, everyone is DIFFERENT! No two people in this world will ever experience the same situation. And however you are feeling it is OK! Grieve however you’d like, for however long you’d like. The only person that will know when your body and emotions are ready to heal is you. No one else. Love yourself, Love God and love your family. In the end, everything will fall into place.

I love each and everyone of you, and I believe in you. ❤️