⚠️⚠️⚠️TRIGGER WARNING⚠️⚠️⚠️

to repeat my positive affirmations here: i am not fat. i have never been ‘fat’. regardless of if i was fat or am fat, that does not reduce my value in any way. you can be fat and beautiful. the two do not juxtapose and i need to remember that. regardless, that is not a word that should have ever been used to negatively describe me or that i should have ever used because it is not fact.

when i lift my shirt up quickly for a second to look at my stomach, when the light reflects off my side i can see my ribs stick out. it makes my breath catch because i was obsessed with this when i was bulimic (i was never officially diagnosed but from 12-18 using common sense it’s clear i struggled from anorexia for a while before becoming full fledged bulimic then alternating between starving/binging until now at 20. but i never went to the doctors as my mum used to make me feel bad enough for it. she caught me being sick once and beat me lol.) i still struggle and obsess everyday. how much could i make my bones stick out? its only for a second because when i analyse myself and look at my body naked i hate it, all i can see is what’s wrong. i don’t want to say it’s some kind of body dysmorphia as that’s a serious condition and i try to remember that what i catch quickly is what i really look like but then that’s making me obsess with how bony i can get. it’s scaring me because it’s so addictive. i weigh out all my food so i can log it correctly as i’m trying to eat healthier and eat enough healthy food to workout. but i can’t even eat some grapes without making sure i’ve weighed and accounted for them first. i’m scared i’m becoming obsessive and i’m trying so hard to regulate myself but it’s getting so difficult. i started my fitness journey around 3 months ago, i’ve been eating right and exercising to sustainability be strong not to be thin and it was working so well for a while i felt good about myself and positive but i can feel myself slipping into old habits.

does anybody have any advice?

p.s. i went to counselling i was just about to be referred to an eating disorder specialist but then covid happened.

(i’ve posted this in a few groups i really need advice lol)