ladies

I am feeling so lonely and low, me and my husband have had up and downs for years, pregnancy felt so lonely and felt low didn't enjoy my pregnancy much at all, I had our baby 9 days ago, I feel so low and lonely, me and my hubby have had a falling out, he tells me I'm boring and give him ground hog day, times I fall asleep on the sofa etc, going on about itmacy that he's not been getting anything nor has he had anything from me not sex as he knows we can't. He tells me to leave and do one and that I have nothing about me,I'm boring have nothing to offer. There's women who have asked for his number or hit on him, there's women that want a man like him yet I do offer anything and he's here with me. He financially crippled because of me,he's mental health is fucked because of me. I havent bothered making any effort with him because I don't know where I stand or what he wants, yet he says step up or don't. Then says why haven't you Fking left etc. I'm so confused. I got hit with baby blues when the first argument happened, he called me a sad pathetic 30 odd year old, said I should look in the mirror and see the state of me. I don't make conversation and I don't do anything because I'm so low and also I have sat and gone to myself what's the point he doesn't want me, he wants me gone. He doesn't love me. I generally feel like everything I get from him I deserve, that all the financial stuff and his mental health is because of me. Because I haven't done what's required. I want a family home. I want to go out and do things, generally feel loved and secure. Yet I can't get out of this low mood or feel positive because I have no idea whether I'm coming or going. If he wants to make things work or loves me. Yet when I ask he sits there going I've told you already do it or don't. He gets funny with me when I say I haven't bothered because I'm confused. He says well I've been acting normal. Yes messing around ,no affection, no kisses or cuddles etc. Is this my fault and do I deserve what he says and does 😢😢😢😔😔😔