I'm gonna rant but I'm literally passed the tears .I'm pissed off . Fuming . Like I'm literally at a point I want to scream fuck you. 

Let me start of by saying .

Me and sister in law ( husband's sister in law) we are 9 year apart.  I'm 20 and she's 29 . We both had received the same news 2 weeks apart that we were pregnant. This was her second pregnancy and my first. We had been excited and we had always been really close .

July, I had a late miscarriage and the results showed nothing.  They couldn't figure why it happened . I had lost my little boy . It's been hella tough . And shit . November her little one was born and I've been super happy for her but I messaged explaining I'm just not ready to see the little one yet . It's been 2 weeks since her little one is here nd my son's due date came up and it was so much harder than I thought it was going to be . I've been distant with everyone nd just messaged them the next day just saying

" Hey, hope your okay.  I'm sorry for just not replying back it's just been crazy nd I'm just trying to sort my emotions out as they are just all over the place . Ive been anxious about the results nd the meeting with the consultant . Everything seems urghhh and hectic at the moment . I'm sorry , I've been trying to get back to being me and im just gonna take some time .I hope your not mad at me  . I love you. "

Tried to just be okay and keep some relationship dispite the times I've wanted to block everyone out . I'm trying to figure myself out . Trust me , when you lose your first child . You feel so lost in this damn world. Them dreams you had all with that child . Shattered.  Literally taken away and you know that them dreams will never be fulfilled with that child .

Back to topic .

Her message and reply made me upset and I'll explain why in a second.

" Hi I'm not mad at you just upset.  I'm finding it hard to come to mums and for us to be feeling out of place. I just get anxious and feel out of place every time we come over now.  I know your struggling but I just feel it's been over 2 weeks now. I feel like you should be okay by now . When I see you playing with the boys and trying to play with them . I get upset because I think why are you just ignoring Zara and ok when we aren't over amd act all off .I know she reminds you of your child because they would have been the same age. I think the longer you leave it the harder it's going to get and we don't even talk anymore I find it aqward to say anything to you. I can't tell you what to do its how you feel and upto you, it's just sad things are the way they are. But think you should try and move on and get past this.  Better for everyone. "

Bitchhhhh what the fuck did you just say . I'm okay when you aren't there . Like dude . You think I'm gonna show my struggles and tears in front of people . I'm good at masking my pain .but no way in hell , do I need to show my emotions. 

I play with the other kids because they are literally apart of me . I've seen them 2 years .everyday of my life . Like I'm fucking trying my best to get myself together .I'm pissed . I don't need to be pushed back down . I'm not perfect. I'm at a point I fucking exhausted.  Physically and emotionally drained . Just becuase me and my husband both are able to put a smile on and be okay in front of others doesn't mean anyone knows shit that happens behind closed doors. The amount of times my husband nd me sit there holding each other . Talking about our little one . Cry here and there . Doesn't mean we don't feel pain .

Rant over . Sorry