My husband doesn’t want another...and it’s killing me

My husband and I have been together for 11 years. Prior to having my daughter who is 2.5, we were both on board for two children. We discussed the ins and outs in great detail, got married, and got pregnant fairly easily. My daughter was an extremely easy baby overall, and a wonderful toddler (I’ve had years of nannying and daycare work so I know how lucky we are).

Since my daughter was born, my husband and I have disagreed on having a second child. In short, he feels he would not be a good father to two kids. He feels that mentally he is not ready and is saying having another one is out of the question and his answer is a “hard no.” He is an extremely wonderful father, but very much a helicopter parent. In my opinion, he feels he is inadequate because he has not made appropriate boundaries. Rarely does he let my daughter play on her own and acts like he has to be a three ring circus to entertain her. He also had a very scary experience with her choking while I was at work one day. I fully validate his feelings, and I know her choking really messed with him, but I cannot help but feel resentful and angry. I am not done having children. I want my daughter to have a sibling. I am not an idiot and understand feelings change and life changes, but I feel his mental health (and his unwillingness to work on it) is tearing our marriage apart.

We got into a huge argument tonight because I feel he should talk to someone about his extreme anxiety and feelings of being “inadequate” because he is an amazing father. I feel mentally he is depressed and anxious and I agree having a child now is not right. His mental health is more important than bringing another baby into this world.

However, I also feel lied to, and feel that he should want to work on his mental health. We had the same dream, to have 2 children. We talked about this for the first 8.5 years of our relationship!!

I don’t want to resent him, and I also don’t want him to resent me. I am no longer going to push the issue for now, but I do feel like I want him to actively make an effort to get healthier and think about a second child, even if it’s a few years from now. I want him to get help so we can have a chance at our dream.

What should I do? This is killing me inside.

P.S. Please be kind. I wish I didn’t feel resentment, I wish I didn’t feel sad. I don’t want my husband to feel badly either, but I can’t help it.